Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Everywhere!

Eureka, I've found it! I spent 7 hours intensely cleaning the rental house my grandparents own today, and I think this is what my life is all about. Well, probably not... But I wouldn't mind getting paid to clean peoples' homes for awhile. For your viewing pleasure, the crazy-old vacuum I'm using and an example of how disgusting it is:

I really took advantage of this time today, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. (Unfortunately, due to my body's ridiculous reaction to night-time cold medicine, I am WIDE awake right now.) It sounds a little dramatic, but I decided to get metaphorical and deal with a lot of feelings I haven't been dealing with in the past several months, thus "cleaning out" my psyche. Get it? Ha! I'm so clever. And hey, why not be intensely personal on this blog? 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'd been contemplating secrets for some time. You see, secrets aren't necessarily bad. Sometimes we keep secrets because people just don't need to know everything, and that's fine. Other times, we keep them because we're not ready to deal with them yet, and that's okay, too. But there are secrets that some of us keep because we're afraid revealing them will change the way people look at us, the way they treat us. Those secrets can torture you. At some point, you have to decide whether you're keeping the secret to protect yourself or to save the people around you from having to deal with something that may not be easy for them. There is a point when you just have to do what's best for you. I reached this point within the last year, and I've been slowly letting my secret seep out, but it's time for me to just say it.

I am a lesbian. OMG!!! If you've never had to "come out" you have NO IDEA how amazing it feels to just say it! I assure you I did not choose this, but I am not ashamed of who I am. I've told my close friends already, and a few family members. I know some of you just fell out of your chairs, but some of you are just glad I finally admitted it. I realize opinions are pretty damn strong on this topic... I'm happy to discuss homosexuality in general, or my story specifically, with anyone who has questions, but please know I don't need a lecture from anybody. I've heard it all, and it won't change anything.

Wow! I feel good! I know I've just subjected myself to the possibility of some really intense reactions, but you know what? I don't care. This is about me being free to actually be myself. It's not about anybody else. I wanted to get it out there and liberate myself from this heavy, heavy weight I've been carrying for so many years. It's still a hard road, but I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family who I appreciate very much. Now I can discuss a lot of things here that I've been holding back! Like... I'm kind of obsessed with Tegan & Sara, I might go to Jeff City to tell our legislators why it's completely ridiculous for them to think they get to decide who I can marry, and I really love plaid button-up shirts (haha). And if I ever want to talk about my relationships, I don't have to carefully word all of my sentences to be gender-neutral!

Moving on... that IS a huge deal for me, but it's not all I ever think about, you know? I finally got to listen to a few newly acquired albums today. I'm not ready to comment on all of them yet, but I'll give you one STD! Cold War Kids - Mine Is Yours... Now, they've been catching hell for this. People are calling them sell-outs. I saw one review that dubbed them a "lazy Kings of Leon knock-off", but I don't know what that reviewer was listening to! I really, really like this album. It's not quite as good as Robbers & Cowards, but it's a big improvement over Loyalty to Loyalty. I didn't hate that one, but I just never really got  into it. I think my favorite song is Royal Blue. "From now on, wear my love for you loose // From now on, I am just passing through // From now on, trust my feeling is true // From now on, call me royal blue". This album feels like a pre-breakup to me. You know how it feels right at the end, when you're still together but you both kind of know you shouldn't be. Ugh... it's nice to have a collection of songs for that particular awful feeling, isn't it? Haha. I love the sound, though. Great job, CWK, you've won me back!

Now, maybe if I lie down and close my eyes the Nyquil will wear off and I can sleep. Goodnight!