I found this in a random notebook I grabbed to take notes for Microbiology.
2/19/11
Well, my counselor says I should journal about my feelings every night. Feelings...ugh. I guess I've felt mostly happy all week. The baby came last Sunday! He's so beautiful and so fresh. He is without opinion, without prejudice, without hopes or fears or expectations, greed, insecurity, or habit. It's more than a little terrifying to consider how great an impact we, as his family, will have on his developing personality. But great opportunities are always a big scary, aren't they? We have so many choices to make every single day... we can teach this little man to be loving and accepting, hard-working and brilliant, responsible and happy. One thing I hope for him is that he holds on to what little knowledge he possesses right now - and that is that there are basic things YOU need and sometimes you have to scream to get them. We all deserve health, warmth, loving attention, enough to eat, and someone who is careful with us - body and soul. I think too many times we fail to demand these things from the people with whom we surround ourselves. We allow ourselves to be pushed aside, ridiculed, judged, and minimalized. We have to stop standing by quietly, waiting for people to suddenly become decent. We need to scream and yell and refuse to back down. We have to offer those who would treat us with anything less than respect and equality our middle finger and move on to bigger, better things. I really believe we'd be surprised at how much we could change if we were unapologetic. I know it's time for me to be bold. I've taken big steps already and I need to continue on. It's time for me to go live wherever I want, get a job to get by, and finally take hold of that nursing degree I've wanted for so long. I'm going to do it. I'm ready.
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I came across this today. One week(-ish) after a breakup, and at the beginning of what will be a really long week. I was just telling my mom last night how discouraged I am trying to balance a full-time job and a full class load. I'm so tired. But then I saw this, and I remembered where I was when I wrote it. In the midst of my very first breakup. Still completely shocked by Marcus' death. Utterly, hopelessly depressed. I was so beaten down that the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was so overwhelming it literally made me cry. But look! I got off my ass! I have a job at a hospital, I'm working on my nursing degree. I've cut ties with some people who weren't treating me well. I'm moving forward! I'm proud of myself, and I'm energized.
So if you're discouraged today, think about where you were six months ago - maybe you won't feel so bad. And let's all remember that we deserve so much more out of life than we tend to insist upon. Can you imagine how great life could be? I can, and I'm pretty damn excited about it!
1 comment:
I hadn't read your blog in a while but i for some reason decided to today. It is was a very encouraging post :) You are right we shouldn't sit around and wait for people we surround ourselves with to be decent when we could probably find others just around the corner that are amazing! Did you take your own advice about being bold? Did you call someone?? i love you natali and i hope you are having a happy new year so far!
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