Songs I Love, Episode 3

I'm baaaaaaaack! I have so many stories to tell that are much more important than this song, but I haven't felt up to putting recent experiences into words yet. So here it is... another song I love. I'm really digging this one tonight. Lately I've loved Stars in general, actually. They are one of those bands I forget about for awhile, then fall in love with all over again. Set Yourself on Fire is a great album overall, and this song is fantastic! The last verse is my favorite:

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Buy it! Buy the whole album! But if you don't feel like it, here's a YouTube video so you can listen to it for free. Goodnight friends!

Songs I Love, Episode 2

All this gloomy weather, living in a basement, and not quite knowing what I'm doing with my life has inspired me to listen to some pretty emotional music. Today's song screams heartache, jealousy, anger, loneliness, and a tinge of self-pity. I love music that makes me feel so...much. And I can never find the words to adequately describe how I feel about it. So, pretty much all I have is: uggggggggggggh, it's so good!!!

Really, the whole album is incredible. It's been around quite awhile, but if you missed it, it's definitely worth the $10 it costs to download it from Amazon...

Or, listen free via YouTube...

Snow Daze

Almost everyone who reads this lives in the Midwest, so I'm sure you're all getting snow again today, too. Yay. I get that the snow is fun if you are a student or teacher and get to stay home. But if you have a job you still have to go to - or are unemployed and this isn't getting you out of anything - it can get old pretty fast. I'm just ready for safe driving conditions... I don't really have anywhere to go, but the lack of freedom to take off is making me feel a little claustrophobic!

I'm working on a having a better attitude about it, though. I keep thinking about my beloved friend Marcus...he would have enjoyed every minute of this snow storm and said such eloquent things to remind us all how beautiful it is. My little sister and I bundled up and played outside for awhile earlier, and I found myself lying on my back, watching the snow fall through the trees and crying. Crying for a life cut too short, for myself and so many others left to deal with this tremendous loss, for the beauty of nature and how rarely we actually see it, and for so many other things I can't quite express. Then I heard my sister giggling and running through the snow, sat up and wiped the tears and snowflakes off my face, and felt just a little bit better. I still think about Marcus every day, and I hope that never changes. He was such a rare soul - a man who was nothing but good, all the time. His memory is an ever-present reminder to me to be a better person and to appreciate every little thing around me. Thanks for helping me notice something magnificent today, friend!

I mentioned playing in the snow with my little sister. I think it's fitting to discuss this ball of chaos we call Gracie for a few minutes. She's the most adorable little thing in the world. She's quite the negotiator, too... if you tell her no, she'll modify her request and offer to do things for you until you cave. She loves to text, too - she asked the other day if she could text our aunt Amanda and when we got a response she said, "oh good, our message made it all the way to Kansas City!!!" :) She's been sleeping with me since school is canceled, and the other night she saw me changing, gave me a concerned look, then: "it's weird to see adults in their underwear <5 second pause> I can touch my nose with my tongue." You can always count on her for a laugh...

She talked me into painting her fingernails today. Now, I bet you've never seen me with my nails painted. And if you have, I was commenting the whole time on how awkward I felt about it. There are a few basic things that EVERY girl just knows how to do by the time she's in middle school. Every girl but me. I cannot, for the life of me, put hair in a centered, lump-free ponytail. And I cannot paint nails. I can paint entire fingers and toes, but not nails. Lack of practice might have a little bit to do with this, but mostly it's the fact that I have some sort of pre-Parkinson's or something and fine motor tasks literally make me tremble. I was painting and she kept encouraging me... "see Natali, I knew you could do it! Why is your hand shaking, are you cold? It's funny that your tongue is sticking out a little!"

Anyway... it's been a good day. :) On top of the things I already discussed, I got to try my new SUV in the snow for the first time (it was incredible) and I finally got my health insurance card. And for the last couple of hours, mi amiga Maria has been sharing some of her favorite Spanish songs with me and telling me the stories behind them. Which brings us to...

Today's STD! It's a gorgeous, heart-breaking song about La Llarona - an old Mexican legend about a woman who drowned her kids in order to be with the man she loved, only to be rejected by him. She was so broken-hearted she killed herself, and when she got to Heaven they turned her away, saying she couldn't come in until she found her children. So she wanders around by the river, lost and crying forever. Incredibly sad, but I love stories passed down for generations. And this song is soooo beautiful! Gracias, mi querida!

Songs I Love, Episode 1

After a few friends told me they've been buying music I suggested here, I thought I'd start a new feature. In yet another brilliant stroke of creativity, I've decided to name it "Songs I Love". I don't know how often I'll post one or anything, but here's the first one.

I figured the inaugural song should be a classic - something by an artist I will never grow tired of. I'm in a revolutionary type of mood tonight, so here it is... The Times They Are A-Changin'. I love every word of this song, and the context in which Dylan wrote it was a little different than the big issues we're facing today, but it's still completely relevant. "Come senators, congressman, please heed the call / Don't stand in the doorways, don't block up the hall". And my favorite line: "And don't criticize what you can't understand." Ahhh! Ol' Bobby gets me every time. I've listened to this record a hundred times and every single time, his wonderfully mediocre voice and ridiculously simple strum pattern pour out of my turntable and absolutely flood my soul with emotion. Inexplicable emotion. Something like simultaneous hope and despair. Oh, the things this man has seen in his life! And the precious words he's given us! There are no words to communicate to you how much I love this man and his music...


So now that I've gotten all worked up, I'll leave you to be moved by this beautiful song.


I'm not sure, but this link might play the full song for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...you're far too kind (Hova!)

Words cannot adequately express what I've been feeling for the past several days... I have been overwhelmed with everyone's reaction to my coming out. I've cried tears of surprise and appreciation. Thank you all for the comments posted here, Facebook messages, emails, voicemails, texts, and hugs of support. And thanks to those of you who don't really understand who have engaged in genuinely open conversations with me. So many people have been kind and supportive when I expected them to react much differently, and this gives me hope for the future of people like me everywhere!

I hope this is an encouragement to anyone reading who has something they need to tell the world. I know it's scary, but it really can be a positive step in your life! I do realize there are very real reasons for not coming out in some situations, but if you're hiding, please take the time to consider why. This is YOUR life and you deserve to hold your head up high and be exactly who you are. And just think of the impact it would have on our world if all of us were out and proud!!! Can you imagine how differently people would view homosexuality if they knew how many of us they know personally, or had just a glimpse of the important roles we play in their every day lives? Maybe that would diminish the stigma, and allow everyone to view us as exactly what we are: regular people. That's my dream. I want to live in a country where people are people, no matter where they come from, what they look like, or who they love. I want to hold hands with my girlfriend in public, in the middle of the Bible Belt, and not see people uncomfortably avert their eyes, try to quickly distract their kids, or just blatantly look at me like I'm a disgusting, worthless human being.

I believe that day is approaching, but until then... thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you - a thousand times thank you! Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for reconsidering your stance on this issue. Thank you for telling me I have nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for standing up for me and encouraging me every day. I love you more than you can imagine, and I will never let you forget it. :)

And a special thank you to my dear friend Maggie, who always builds me up and makes me feel so comfortable and so unconditionally loved. Maggie, I don't know that I ever would have accepted myself if not for that monumental conversation in your car on the drive from Denver to your house. You are - without a doubt - one of the most incredible people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so very thankful that you're a part of my life!

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Everywhere!

Eureka, I've found it! I spent 7 hours intensely cleaning the rental house my grandparents own today, and I think this is what my life is all about. Well, probably not... But I wouldn't mind getting paid to clean peoples' homes for awhile. For your viewing pleasure, the crazy-old vacuum I'm using and an example of how disgusting it is:

I really took advantage of this time today, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. (Unfortunately, due to my body's ridiculous reaction to night-time cold medicine, I am WIDE awake right now.) It sounds a little dramatic, but I decided to get metaphorical and deal with a lot of feelings I haven't been dealing with in the past several months, thus "cleaning out" my psyche. Get it? Ha! I'm so clever. And hey, why not be intensely personal on this blog? 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'd been contemplating secrets for some time. You see, secrets aren't necessarily bad. Sometimes we keep secrets because people just don't need to know everything, and that's fine. Other times, we keep them because we're not ready to deal with them yet, and that's okay, too. But there are secrets that some of us keep because we're afraid revealing them will change the way people look at us, the way they treat us. Those secrets can torture you. At some point, you have to decide whether you're keeping the secret to protect yourself or to save the people around you from having to deal with something that may not be easy for them. There is a point when you just have to do what's best for you. I reached this point within the last year, and I've been slowly letting my secret seep out, but it's time for me to just say it.

I am a lesbian. OMG!!! If you've never had to "come out" you have NO IDEA how amazing it feels to just say it! I assure you I did not choose this, but I am not ashamed of who I am. I've told my close friends already, and a few family members. I know some of you just fell out of your chairs, but some of you are just glad I finally admitted it. I realize opinions are pretty damn strong on this topic... I'm happy to discuss homosexuality in general, or my story specifically, with anyone who has questions, but please know I don't need a lecture from anybody. I've heard it all, and it won't change anything.

Wow! I feel good! I know I've just subjected myself to the possibility of some really intense reactions, but you know what? I don't care. This is about me being free to actually be myself. It's not about anybody else. I wanted to get it out there and liberate myself from this heavy, heavy weight I've been carrying for so many years. It's still a hard road, but I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family who I appreciate very much. Now I can discuss a lot of things here that I've been holding back! Like... I'm kind of obsessed with Tegan & Sara, I might go to Jeff City to tell our legislators why it's completely ridiculous for them to think they get to decide who I can marry, and I really love plaid button-up shirts (haha). And if I ever want to talk about my relationships, I don't have to carefully word all of my sentences to be gender-neutral!

Moving on... that IS a huge deal for me, but it's not all I ever think about, you know? I finally got to listen to a few newly acquired albums today. I'm not ready to comment on all of them yet, but I'll give you one STD! Cold War Kids - Mine Is Yours... Now, they've been catching hell for this. People are calling them sell-outs. I saw one review that dubbed them a "lazy Kings of Leon knock-off", but I don't know what that reviewer was listening to! I really, really like this album. It's not quite as good as Robbers & Cowards, but it's a big improvement over Loyalty to Loyalty. I didn't hate that one, but I just never really got  into it. I think my favorite song is Royal Blue. "From now on, wear my love for you loose // From now on, I am just passing through // From now on, trust my feeling is true // From now on, call me royal blue". This album feels like a pre-breakup to me. You know how it feels right at the end, when you're still together but you both kind of know you shouldn't be. Ugh... it's nice to have a collection of songs for that particular awful feeling, isn't it? Haha. I love the sound, though. Great job, CWK, you've won me back!

Now, maybe if I lie down and close my eyes the Nyquil will wear off and I can sleep. Goodnight!

Bead Creatures and Hip-Hop Abs

Well, so much for my promise to update more frequently...not that anybody's heartbroken. Anyway, a lot has happened since my last post...

There have been a couple more snow days and MLK, Jr. Day, so we spent a LOT of time crafting little things with beads. Those beads you put on a peg-board, then iron to make them stick together. Does anybody remember those? Wal-Mart very creatively calls them "Melty-Beads"... and they are disturbingly addictive. Check out all the little things we created last Thursday, and guess which two are mine. :) Also, please note that Marissa created a girl version of each animal so nobody would be lonely, Noah's Ark style.

I've been working out, too. (working out in January...so cliche, right?) Today I did hip-hop abs, which made me feel more ridiculous than anything else I've ever done. I mean, I may think of something worse later, but at the moment I'm pretty certain I'm not exaggerating. And it might have been a good ab work-out if I hadn't been concentrating so hard on whatever the hell they were doing with their feet. So... the best option seems to be sticking with the fitness class I've been attending at the jiu-jitsu establishment on the square here. It's pretty intense, so plan on me being totally cut in a few months. :)

We finally decorated the nursery! Unfortunately, the decals we picked up wouldn't stick to the textured wall, but his name is prominently displayed in case his parents forget it. That was quite an experiences... we had no tape measure, and my mom thought it would be better to "eyeball it" than run home and get one. It worked fine, it just took awhile. We did laugh a lot, though. Not a bad night overall!

I'm really excited to meet him! I think I'm going to brainwash him to believe I'm the most incredible person the world has ever seen. And I'll ensure that he's never without cool shoes, haha. This kid is going to be so spoiled... I think he might turn into a little monster. You know the great thing about this situation, though? He's not my kid. :)



I said a lot has happened since my last post, but I guess my life is pretty uneventful. I did get to spend the weekend with some friends, which is always good! I think I'll do that again this weekend...