Thursday, April 14, 2011

People Will Surprise You

Two posts in three days... everybody freak out! I had such a fantastic day, I couldn't help but share. First, I slept until 11:30. I love sleeping in. Then I went to Megan's house to spend some time with her, Gracie, and Anderson. We sat outside and took pictures of Anderson smiling for awhile, then he fell asleep on my shoulder and I just held him. Taking a nap with a baby asleep on my chest is another thing I love. And I snapped this hilarious picture of him cracking up... Look at him! I love that his little jeans have a hammer loop, haha. He already knows that if you're going to chuckle, you should put your hand on your belly.



Before I left, I decided to gauge my ears out a little bit. Dustin shoved little plastic rods through my ear lobes and put in the punk-ass earrings I'm wearing now.  Then I stopped for a 6-pack of Coors Light and headed to my grandpa's house. 

I spent a lot of time with Papa - my mom's dad - as a kid, and we were always really close. We talked every Sunday throughout my entire college career, and he called to check on my every two weeks or so after I moved to Tulsa. We hadn't spent much time together recently, so we planned to spend the whole evening together. He threw burgers on the grill, we had a couple beers, played rummy, and caught up. I knew before I went that I needed to tell him that I'm gay, and I knew he would be fine with it. But I wasn't sure if it would be "I'm so proud of you for being honest about who you are!" or "I don't agree with this but I love you anyway" or somewhere in between. And that small chance that someone very dear to you might say they think there's something wrong with you is a thousand times more terrifying than the prospect of getting your ass kicked by some redneck for being "one o' them damn queers". 

So, after beer and cards and talking about his horses for a couple of hours, I decided to just say it. It took at least 15 minutes for me to force the words out of my mouth. "Papa, I have to tell you something... I'm gay. I just wanted you to hear it from me first." Panic. I can't adequately describe the few seconds before and after proclaiming for the first time that you're a raging homosexual, but it's horrible. I think it's what a heart attack feels like. But then, relief. He looked at me and said, "I love you, honey. It don't matter to me at all." I cried. We had an excellent conversation.

He told me that he doesn't think the gays have a choice about it one way or another, and everybody has their own feelings and as long as they're happy, they don't need to pay attention to what anybody else has to say. We talked about how dangerous it is to take the Bible literally, forgetting that it's been translated and interpreted so many times by so many men that we don't know exactly what the original text says. He said he "reckons that Southern Baptists are the most hypocritical bunch" he's ever encountered. We reminisced about my childhood and he said he understood now why I was always so hard on myself, and he wishes I'd been more comfortable in my own skin. He told me a story about this time he went to a bar with his friends and all the ladies ended up dancing with a gay man there, and he'd never laughed so hard in his life. He reminded me that all people need from each other is a little kindness and understanding. He asked me if I had anybody special in my life... something I've wished my mom would ask me since I came out to her. I told him I dated someone for a few months, but it's over now. He asked, "did you get yourself a little bit of a broken heart?" And we talked about how much it hurts - especially that first one. He offered advice on dating, love, marriage... He asked me if he'll get any great-grandkids out of me.

Before I left, with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said he'd always been proud of me and always will be. I cried again, hugged him, drove away, and realized that this has been one of the most precious days of my life.

Goodnight everybody. I hope all of us have a Thursday that is even half as great as my Wednesday was!

6 comments:

Suzanne said...

Wow Natali...what a wise and amazing man your Pa Pa is...You are very lucky to have such a great understanding and wise man in your life.

Unknown said...

Natali,
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Suzanne is right your Pa Pa is a very wise man. If it is okay with you, I would like to post a link to your blog on our PFLAG group's Facebook page.
Please stay in touch, we would love to hear how you are doing in Oklahoma.

Natali said...

You're both right - he's a wonderful man! Kathy, I dint mind if you share a link. I'll keep in touch! You guys do wonderful things through PFLAG. I'm so thankful for you both!

Tyler said...

That is really awesome.

Belinda said...

Wow. Thanks for making me cry during lunch :) You're a lucky girl to have a grandpa like that.

Belinda said...

Natali,

Do you still use your Garmin running watch?