Blowin' In The Wind

One of my favorite things to do is stand outside and gaze into the sky when a storm is about to break... those few moments when you can feel everything all at once. The air is so heavy, pushing on you from every side, making you suddenly aware of how much space your physical self actually consumes. The clouds are rolling and dark, brooding, trembling, impatiently awaiting the moment they can let go - that climactic moment of release. Everything around you comes alive and is frantic. Birds are flapping wildly, insects are scurrying to higher ground, even the most domesticated of dogs senses the panic and whines anxiously. You stand there, exhilarated by impending doom, and wait. As the anticipation builds, you feel an inexplicable unity with nature. And when it finally breaks - when the temperature drops and the thunder claps and the rain comes pouring down? An overwhelming sense of calm.

I'm on the brink of a storm now. I start classes in a few weeks. I'm diving back into the college life... that life that's so full of classes and studying and working that there's no time for sleep. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, but I'm genuinely excited. Ecstatic, even! And I have an interview Monday that I really, really want to nail. I want this job, at this hospital, on this floor.

My life has been stagnant for the past few years. I knew I wasn't living up to my own expectations - all these dreams I had of growing up and really making a difference in the world. I'm a firm believer that the best thing you can do is figure out what you're good at, then find a way to use it to help people. That's what a good life consists of. Sitting behind a desk, preparing tax returns for multi-million dollar oil & gas companies was slowly killing me. By the time I quit, I was exhausted. I had no passion, no dreams, no idea what I wanted. I lived in my parents' basement for 6 months, becoming more depressed with each passing day. And I don't really know what got into me, but one day I just got up and moved back to Tulsa. I enrolled in a CNA course, got my license, started applying for jobs, and enrolled in classes. So here I am, waiting for it all to begin. I really do feel like my insides are trembling and I'm so full of emotion I'm going to burst.

For now, I'm happy. And I have this energy that I can't seem to harness, can't really channel into something useful. I'm working on it. I'm finding causes that really matter to me...more on that later. But while I'm ready for the stability and peace routine brings, I sincerely hope that I experience this feeling several times over in my life. The edge of big change is a terrifying place to stand, but it's important for self-realization. I've discovered that the thing I'm most excited about in all of this is the fact that I'm starting over. I'm entering a world where nobody knows me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Bring it on.

April Recap

So much has happened since I last posted...therefore, this will be a jumble. I shall recap many things, and offer my completely irrelevant commentary on some recent newsworthy events. Here goes...

My move to Tulsa - unlike many things I said I was going to do in the past 6 months or so - actually happened. I completed a two-week course and state board exam, so I am a licensed CNA now. I've put in an application where I really want to work, and if I don't hear from them by the end of the week I'll submit a few more. This summer will (hopefully) be consumed with hospital night shifts and classes in Biology, Anatomy & Physiology, and Chemistry. I'm excited. :)

Also, my arm is permanently adorned with a fantastic piece of artwork. I've been planning it for awhile. It is a representation of the personal growth I've experienced in the last year, the strength it took for me to embrace everything that makes me who I am and cast off long-held shame and fear, the importance of branching (forgive the pun) into new experiences and ideas, and a reminder that life is always changing. The bird is an homage to a very dear friend. Marcus had a brambling bird on his right forearm - a beautiful purple and turquoise bird that he was so proud of. When he passed away, several of us took comfort in one of his favorite Iron & Wine songs, Upward Over The Mountain. When I think of him, I envision him soaring over breath-taking landscapes, euphoric. I'm indescribably proud to wear a reminder of everything he stood for, and the profound impact he had on so many.

What else...? Oh, yes. I've been dating. What a disaster, hahaha. Shall I share a few of examples of things that are inappropriate for a first date? I shall! A) Don't ask when I'm going to kiss you! First, you're assuming a kiss is inevitable, when it is simply optional. Second, the first date kiss-or-not-to-kiss conundrum is uncomfortable enough...drawing attention to something that's already awkward promotes it to unbearably awkward. Ugh. B) Do not invite me to an outing with all your friends that is occurring SIX WEEKS in the future. Not in the middle of a first date. You're forcing me to figure out how to say something terrible like, "Actually...I don't think this is going well and I don't want to see you again" while we're still waiting for our meals to get to the table. Geez. C) If you're a crazy pill-popper, at least try to act sane for two hours. I guess it's good we got that out of the way so quickly, but you weren't getting a second date anyway. In the future, don't tell your "I took all this Xanax and really wanted a cheeseburger, so I drove to Whataburger and rear-ended a guy in line and went to jail" story right out of the gate, okay? D) Don't wear the clothes you lie around your house in, unless they happen to be - at the least - nice jeans and a semi-cute shirt. Windpants, an Eskimo Joe's t-shirt, and a visible sports bra are NOT OKAY. Actually, that was just plain offensive. I straightened my hair for you, asshole. E) Show up. Standing someone up because you didn't have the heart to tell them no when they asked is awful. Standing someone up when YOU asked them is unforgivable. Especially if you run into them two days later and pretend you have no idea who they are rather than having the decency to make up a bullshit story about why you missed it and couldn't call. Well, anyway... I'm not as frustrated as I sound, I'm not pursuing anything at the moment. The crazies just keep asking me out. I guess I need to work on spotting insanity more efficiently. :)

I had a few meaningful thoughts to share about the death of Bin Laden, DADT repeal, the whole DOMA hullabaloo, the advancement of the "Don't Say Gay" bill in TN, etc. But this has gotten really long and I think those issues deserve to be discussed separately from first-date horror stories.

Until next time, I recommend you purchase and read Slaughterhouse-Five. In one sitting. Now.

"I have told my sons that they are not under any circumstances to take part in massacres, and that the massacre of enemies is not to fill them with satisfaction or glee."