Blowin' In The Wind

One of my favorite things to do is stand outside and gaze into the sky when a storm is about to break... those few moments when you can feel everything all at once. The air is so heavy, pushing on you from every side, making you suddenly aware of how much space your physical self actually consumes. The clouds are rolling and dark, brooding, trembling, impatiently awaiting the moment they can let go - that climactic moment of release. Everything around you comes alive and is frantic. Birds are flapping wildly, insects are scurrying to higher ground, even the most domesticated of dogs senses the panic and whines anxiously. You stand there, exhilarated by impending doom, and wait. As the anticipation builds, you feel an inexplicable unity with nature. And when it finally breaks - when the temperature drops and the thunder claps and the rain comes pouring down? An overwhelming sense of calm.

I'm on the brink of a storm now. I start classes in a few weeks. I'm diving back into the college life... that life that's so full of classes and studying and working that there's no time for sleep. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, but I'm genuinely excited. Ecstatic, even! And I have an interview Monday that I really, really want to nail. I want this job, at this hospital, on this floor.

My life has been stagnant for the past few years. I knew I wasn't living up to my own expectations - all these dreams I had of growing up and really making a difference in the world. I'm a firm believer that the best thing you can do is figure out what you're good at, then find a way to use it to help people. That's what a good life consists of. Sitting behind a desk, preparing tax returns for multi-million dollar oil & gas companies was slowly killing me. By the time I quit, I was exhausted. I had no passion, no dreams, no idea what I wanted. I lived in my parents' basement for 6 months, becoming more depressed with each passing day. And I don't really know what got into me, but one day I just got up and moved back to Tulsa. I enrolled in a CNA course, got my license, started applying for jobs, and enrolled in classes. So here I am, waiting for it all to begin. I really do feel like my insides are trembling and I'm so full of emotion I'm going to burst.

For now, I'm happy. And I have this energy that I can't seem to harness, can't really channel into something useful. I'm working on it. I'm finding causes that really matter to me...more on that later. But while I'm ready for the stability and peace routine brings, I sincerely hope that I experience this feeling several times over in my life. The edge of big change is a terrifying place to stand, but it's important for self-realization. I've discovered that the thing I'm most excited about in all of this is the fact that I'm starting over. I'm entering a world where nobody knows me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Bring it on.