How To Not Be Scary

I'm back! I just sat here for a few minutes and tried to figure out why I've had so much time to update my blog lately... It's this sickness that won't go away. I would really, really, really like to go for a run - but I can't. I tried. I made it about ten steps. This is why I can't focus on my homework. And why I'm so grumpy. And why PMS is hitting me so much harder than normal. I've been bat-shit crazy all day long. By the way, who made that the standard phrase for people who are absolutely insane?

I've been saying for awhile that I was going to have my hair cut into a faux-hawk. Well... I did it today. My friend Audra did it, rather. She did a great job, it's fun, and it looks great! But I'm going to have to get used to it. Mostly, I'm thinking about a promise I made to myself back when I was a baby lesbian. Before I knew anything about how I'd want to look and act when I got comfortable with myself. I made a mental list of things I'd never do because I didn't want to become too butch...butch ladies scared me.

So, here it is. A sampling of my rules for how to not be a scary, dykey, butchy lesbian.

1. Never allow khaki cargo shorts to become a staple in your wardrobe.
2. Do not purchase a Harley Davidson. Or wear a Harley bandana on your head.
3. Only wear sporty sunglasses when playing sports.
4. Refuse to wear thick leather AE flip-flops.
5. Stick with women's hygiene products because it's ok to smell like a girl.
6. Collars should never, ever be popped.
7. Don't walk around with a toothpick in your mouth.
8. Be, at the very least, cordial to men.
9. Avoid wallet chains and boxers.
And finally...
10. Never get the Classic Lesbian Cut. Visual aide:

You guys, this is the haircut I got today. Except my hair is standing up.

So I've broken a few of my rules. This wouldn't bother me at all, except... today was the beginning of a very emotional time of the month and when I used the restroom at the grocery store after my appointment, there were a few kids around 10 years old. Once I closed the stall door I heard, "ohmygod did you see that girl?! she looked so much like a boy! disgusting!!!"

And it didn't hurt my feelings. Kids say shit like that all the time - they're honest. When compared to other lesbians my appearance isn't shocking, but compared to the female population as a whole I look pretty boyish. Whatever. What that little brat said, though... I was convicted. I've been keeping this list in my head of things that cross some sort of masculinity line. What is wrong with me?! I know women who break these "rules" and they're sweet, kind people. Operative word being people. People who've had to deal with the same - if not worse - challenges I've struggled with. People who just want to be themselves and be left alone. I've felt like such an asshole all afternoon.

So I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm judgmental sometimes and it's terrible and I'm genuinely sorry. I'm working on it. I have a new mantra, which will not only remind me to judge not, but also to quit stressing about everything. Every morning I'll look in the mirror and say, Natali. Get the hell over yourself. Can you imagine how much happier we'd be if we just got over all the little crap in life?

Oh, yeah. One more thing. Some girl sent me a message today because she thinks I'm a boy and wants to date me. I wonder if she'd have a good sense of humor about it if I met her for coffee?

:::EDIT:::

Maggie requested a picture. Here you go, friend...