Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness

Every single day, I hear a story about another religious leader, politician, "family foundation", etc. bashing gays. And recently I've found myself the target of rude and hateful behavior which, as far as I can tell, is based solely on the fact that I look like a lesbian. I try very hard not to be paranoid, I really do. But I walked out of a gas station a couple of weeks ago and an old man leaned out of his truck, shot me a look of disgust, and spat out, "hey dyke". Last week I was at the movies with friends, standing outside of the theater talking on the phone. As this middle-aged couple walked in, the woman stared me down. I mean staring straight at me, from 20 feet away. I stared right back but it didn't phase her. I said, "can I help you ma'am? I'm sorry, is there a problem?" and it didn't phase her. She even turned around to stare some more as they walked past. The look in her eyes told me she thought me to be a wretched, deplorable, waste of fucking space. In both situations, I got mad. I got mad because it feels like a better alternative than getting sad. Because these people have no right to judge - they know nothing about me. I know that and I try to hang on to that so it doesn't hurt. But the thing about strangers deciding they hate you is... it always hurts. It's a hurt that's damn near unbearable when I let myself think about how mild these instances were comparatively. All over the world, gay people have the will to live verbally and physically beat out of them.

The crusade to stifle the rights of homosexuals is awful. It's ridiculous. Infuriating, illogical, unjust, heartless. The people pushing so hard to defend oppressive laws and social attitudes have no reasonable basis for their argument, and they are treating an intrinsically personal matter like a faceless political issue that doesn't affect real people. They treat myself and the rest of my community like we are less-than. Like somehow we have no right to pursue a happy life because we don't agree with their religious stance on one issue.

And that's exactly what it is: a religious stance. Why are religious people so quick to forget about separation of church and state? Do they not realize they're spitting in the face of the very concept that allows them to freely believe what they believe?! Marriage equality, for example. Religious beliefs should have zero bearing on government-issued marriage licenses. Legal marriage and religious marriage are separate concepts that serve entirely different purposes. Why do people find this so easy to overlook? This is why you are required to get a marriage license at the courthouse, and then can have a pastor perform a marriage ceremony if you choose. The government is saying, "ok, you two want to be treated like a single entity. You will pay your taxes together, you will have the right to make legal decisions for each other when necessary, your assets will be transferred to your partner in the event of death." That's it. The government does not claim to bless your union in front of god and everybody. It does not charge you to be fruitful and raise your children in the way of the lord. That's what religious marriage is for, and that alone is the institution over which the church has any authority.

All of this fighting and judgment is so exhausting. I'm angry, and I'm SO tired of being angry. And I'm sad. Because sometimes I can see and feel so much hatred from perfect strangers. Because my parents love me but they don't understand. Because there are people who will live their entire lives in the closet and completely miserable, and people who will spend their entire lives hating for no reason... and completely miserable. Because we're all people, and life is short, and there's really no point if we can't be kind to one another.

But I think mostly I'm sad because I know so many wonderful people who agree with me but don't do anything to help. I'm begging you to give a damn, even if this doesn't affect you personally. There are so many things you can do to help. Call your representatives and senators and tell them you support gay rights. Next time you hear someone talking about it, try to help them understand that gay rights are civil rights and there are good people being terribly hurt by all of this. Log on to www.hrc.org and sign petitions supporting marriage equality and workplace nondiscrimination acts. Things don't just change for the better, we have to band together and make it happen. Please, just care. I need you to care because today I feel defeated and somebody has to tell me they're fighting, too.

Blowin' In The Wind

One of my favorite things to do is stand outside and gaze into the sky when a storm is about to break... those few moments when you can feel everything all at once. The air is so heavy, pushing on you from every side, making you suddenly aware of how much space your physical self actually consumes. The clouds are rolling and dark, brooding, trembling, impatiently awaiting the moment they can let go - that climactic moment of release. Everything around you comes alive and is frantic. Birds are flapping wildly, insects are scurrying to higher ground, even the most domesticated of dogs senses the panic and whines anxiously. You stand there, exhilarated by impending doom, and wait. As the anticipation builds, you feel an inexplicable unity with nature. And when it finally breaks - when the temperature drops and the thunder claps and the rain comes pouring down? An overwhelming sense of calm.

I'm on the brink of a storm now. I start classes in a few weeks. I'm diving back into the college life... that life that's so full of classes and studying and working that there's no time for sleep. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, but I'm genuinely excited. Ecstatic, even! And I have an interview Monday that I really, really want to nail. I want this job, at this hospital, on this floor.

My life has been stagnant for the past few years. I knew I wasn't living up to my own expectations - all these dreams I had of growing up and really making a difference in the world. I'm a firm believer that the best thing you can do is figure out what you're good at, then find a way to use it to help people. That's what a good life consists of. Sitting behind a desk, preparing tax returns for multi-million dollar oil & gas companies was slowly killing me. By the time I quit, I was exhausted. I had no passion, no dreams, no idea what I wanted. I lived in my parents' basement for 6 months, becoming more depressed with each passing day. And I don't really know what got into me, but one day I just got up and moved back to Tulsa. I enrolled in a CNA course, got my license, started applying for jobs, and enrolled in classes. So here I am, waiting for it all to begin. I really do feel like my insides are trembling and I'm so full of emotion I'm going to burst.

For now, I'm happy. And I have this energy that I can't seem to harness, can't really channel into something useful. I'm working on it. I'm finding causes that really matter to me...more on that later. But while I'm ready for the stability and peace routine brings, I sincerely hope that I experience this feeling several times over in my life. The edge of big change is a terrifying place to stand, but it's important for self-realization. I've discovered that the thing I'm most excited about in all of this is the fact that I'm starting over. I'm entering a world where nobody knows me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Bring it on.

April Recap

So much has happened since I last posted...therefore, this will be a jumble. I shall recap many things, and offer my completely irrelevant commentary on some recent newsworthy events. Here goes...

My move to Tulsa - unlike many things I said I was going to do in the past 6 months or so - actually happened. I completed a two-week course and state board exam, so I am a licensed CNA now. I've put in an application where I really want to work, and if I don't hear from them by the end of the week I'll submit a few more. This summer will (hopefully) be consumed with hospital night shifts and classes in Biology, Anatomy & Physiology, and Chemistry. I'm excited. :)

Also, my arm is permanently adorned with a fantastic piece of artwork. I've been planning it for awhile. It is a representation of the personal growth I've experienced in the last year, the strength it took for me to embrace everything that makes me who I am and cast off long-held shame and fear, the importance of branching (forgive the pun) into new experiences and ideas, and a reminder that life is always changing. The bird is an homage to a very dear friend. Marcus had a brambling bird on his right forearm - a beautiful purple and turquoise bird that he was so proud of. When he passed away, several of us took comfort in one of his favorite Iron & Wine songs, Upward Over The Mountain. When I think of him, I envision him soaring over breath-taking landscapes, euphoric. I'm indescribably proud to wear a reminder of everything he stood for, and the profound impact he had on so many.

What else...? Oh, yes. I've been dating. What a disaster, hahaha. Shall I share a few of examples of things that are inappropriate for a first date? I shall! A) Don't ask when I'm going to kiss you! First, you're assuming a kiss is inevitable, when it is simply optional. Second, the first date kiss-or-not-to-kiss conundrum is uncomfortable enough...drawing attention to something that's already awkward promotes it to unbearably awkward. Ugh. B) Do not invite me to an outing with all your friends that is occurring SIX WEEKS in the future. Not in the middle of a first date. You're forcing me to figure out how to say something terrible like, "Actually...I don't think this is going well and I don't want to see you again" while we're still waiting for our meals to get to the table. Geez. C) If you're a crazy pill-popper, at least try to act sane for two hours. I guess it's good we got that out of the way so quickly, but you weren't getting a second date anyway. In the future, don't tell your "I took all this Xanax and really wanted a cheeseburger, so I drove to Whataburger and rear-ended a guy in line and went to jail" story right out of the gate, okay? D) Don't wear the clothes you lie around your house in, unless they happen to be - at the least - nice jeans and a semi-cute shirt. Windpants, an Eskimo Joe's t-shirt, and a visible sports bra are NOT OKAY. Actually, that was just plain offensive. I straightened my hair for you, asshole. E) Show up. Standing someone up because you didn't have the heart to tell them no when they asked is awful. Standing someone up when YOU asked them is unforgivable. Especially if you run into them two days later and pretend you have no idea who they are rather than having the decency to make up a bullshit story about why you missed it and couldn't call. Well, anyway... I'm not as frustrated as I sound, I'm not pursuing anything at the moment. The crazies just keep asking me out. I guess I need to work on spotting insanity more efficiently. :)

I had a few meaningful thoughts to share about the death of Bin Laden, DADT repeal, the whole DOMA hullabaloo, the advancement of the "Don't Say Gay" bill in TN, etc. But this has gotten really long and I think those issues deserve to be discussed separately from first-date horror stories.

Until next time, I recommend you purchase and read Slaughterhouse-Five. In one sitting. Now.

"I have told my sons that they are not under any circumstances to take part in massacres, and that the massacre of enemies is not to fill them with satisfaction or glee."

People Will Surprise You

Two posts in three days... everybody freak out! I had such a fantastic day, I couldn't help but share. First, I slept until 11:30. I love sleeping in. Then I went to Megan's house to spend some time with her, Gracie, and Anderson. We sat outside and took pictures of Anderson smiling for awhile, then he fell asleep on my shoulder and I just held him. Taking a nap with a baby asleep on my chest is another thing I love. And I snapped this hilarious picture of him cracking up... Look at him! I love that his little jeans have a hammer loop, haha. He already knows that if you're going to chuckle, you should put your hand on your belly.

 

Before I left, I decided to gauge my ears out a little bit. Dustin shoved little plastic rods through my ear lobes and put in the punk-ass earrings I'm wearing now.  Then I stopped for a 6-pack of Coors Light and headed to my grandpa's house. 

I spent a lot of time with Papa - my mom's dad - as a kid, and we were always really close. We talked every Sunday throughout my entire college career, and he called to check on my every two weeks or so after I moved to Tulsa. We hadn't spent much time together recently, so we planned to spend the whole evening together. He threw burgers on the grill, we had a couple beers, played rummy, and caught up. I knew before I went that I needed to tell him that I'm gay, and I knew he would be fine with it. But I wasn't sure if it would be "I'm so proud of you for being honest about who you are!" or "I don't agree with this but I love you anyway" or somewhere in between. And that small chance that someone very dear to you might say they think there's something wrong with you is a thousand times more terrifying than the prospect of getting your ass kicked by some redneck for being "one o' them damn queers". 

So, after beer and cards and talking about his horses for a couple of hours, I decided to just say it. It took at least 15 minutes for me to force the words out of my mouth. "Papa, I have to tell you something... I'm gay. I just wanted you to hear it from me first." Panic. I can't adequately describe the few seconds before and after proclaiming for the first time that you're a raging homosexual, but it's horrible. I think it's what a heart attack feels like. But then, relief. He looked at me and said, "I love you, honey. It don't matter to me at all." I cried. We had an excellent conversation.

He told me that he doesn't think the gays have a choice about it one way or another, and everybody has their own feelings and as long as they're happy, they don't need to pay attention to what anybody else has to say. We talked about how dangerous it is to take the Bible literally, forgetting that it's been translated and interpreted so many times by so many men that we don't know exactly what the original text says. He said he "reckons that Southern Baptists are the most hypocritical bunch" he's ever encountered. We reminisced about my childhood and he said he understood now why I was always so hard on myself, and he wishes I'd been more comfortable in my own skin. He told me a story about this time he went to a bar with his friends and all the ladies ended up dancing with a gay man there, and he'd never laughed so hard in his life. He reminded me that all people need from each other is a little kindness and understanding. He asked me if I had anybody special in my life... something I've wished my mom would ask me since I came out to her. I told him I dated someone for a few months, but it's over now. He asked, "did you get yourself a little bit of a broken heart?" And we talked about how much it hurts - especially that first one. He offered advice on dating, love, marriage... He asked me if he'll get any great-grandkids out of me.

Before I left, with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said he'd always been proud of me and always will be. I cried again, hugged him, drove away, and realized that this has been one of the most precious days of my life.

Goodnight everybody. I hope all of us have a Thursday that is even half as great as my Wednesday was!

Miscellaneous

Just a list of random crap, because I was going to post about something serious and it sounded too... emotional. It's not something I feel emotional about right now, but it still sounded depressing. So, random crap it is. Just to make me feel like I'm not letting down all my devoted followers. Ha.

• Sign on the corner of 11th & Lewis (verbatim): 

FOUND:

large catahoula mix

wearing a...

T-SHIRT

• I am asked if I work wherever I happen to be shopping ALL THE TIME. I've never considered myself to have a particularly inviting appearance - especially when I'm shopping - but apparently I'm a beacon of hope for lost souls everywhere. I was wearing gym shorts and smelling laundry detergent at Family Dollar the other day when an old man said, "hey, 'scuse me, but uh, you work here, right?" But the best no-I'm-not-an-employee story I have... At Target, wearing a black hoodie and trying to get a bookshelf into my cart, I was asked by a very polite Indian man where to find "the hand-held machines that vibrate. My wife would really like one for her birthday." He was confused, I was confused and embarrassed, and his teenage daughters were absolutely mortified. I was concerned that the situation would be unbearably awkward if he asked one of the teenagers working there so I helped him. Turns out, she wanted a neck massager. Thank Brahman.
• My unused Continental Airlines miles inexplicably entitle me to two free magazine subscriptions. Of course, none of my options are anything I'd ever pay for, but since it's free... After marking out everything I've never heard of, I'm left with Cosmopolitan, GQ, and The Economist. Five points for anybody who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt which of those I would least enjoy.
• I have a ticket for The National at Cain's Ballroom next Tuesday. Currently my most prized possession. I've listened to nothing else the past few days, and I've fallen even more in love. Music like this tricks me into thinking I can be poetic...and instills within me an intense craving for a glass of whiskey.
• I’m still enjoying (read: stalking) the blog I mentioned awhile back that I stumbled upon by searching “OBU Pride”. I don’t usually feel creepy when I read a stranger’s blog, but there’s something about this guy graduating from my alma mater a few years before me that makes me feel odd about it. And I am thus far undeterred. 
•  I've recently come to terms with the fact that I am a hyper-emotional, hyper-sentimental, hyper-sensitive nutcase. Many of you already know this. Thank you for pretending not to notice. 
• The personality differences between my two youngest sisters are hysterical. Case in point:  I took them to McDonald's today. As soon as we finish ordering, Gracie exclaims, "let's sit at a tall table!!!", runs to said tall table, and starts spinning around in the chair. Marissa - approaching the soda fountain in her typical laid-back gait - calmy says, "that's fine Gracie, but we're in a hurry, so the swivel-chair can't distract you from eating your dinner." They're absolutely perfect. :)

I think that does it. I will leave you with a song from The National for the STD... I've chosen this one because I have been feeling more confident in the past two weeks than I ever have in my life. Has anyone ever noticed that being rejected forces you to get a little conceited? That's what I was going to blog about, actually... I think you have to build yourself back up. It helps to have friends who are willing to toss compliments at you like crazy, too. :) You guys are the best.

I'm put together beautifully

Big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth

I'm a perfect piece of ass, like every Californian

So tall I take over the street

 With high-beams shining up my back

Wingspan unbelievable

I'm a festival, I'm a parade

I'M SO SORRY BUT THE MOTORCADE WILL HAVE TO GO AROUND ME THIS TIME! 

T-Town Lovefest

Dear Tulsans:

I know I’m here all the time and I never go away, and you may not have noticed yet that I actually live in Missouri, but… I’M MOVING BACK!!! I love you, and I love Tulsa. I love the fact that it feels like a big city and a small town, I love Cain’s, I love the parks, I love the nightlife (I’ve got to boogie, on the disco ‘round…. via Alicia Bridges). I love how Tulsans manage to have a palatable amount of pride in their city – a nice middle ground between apathy and Texan pride. I didn’t realize it until I left, but I really do love it here!

In other exciting news, I’ve enrolled in a CNA program and, barring my failure of the exam, will be licensed and looking for a job by May 1^st. Woohoo! Then I’ll clean up poop and vomit to pay my way through nursing school. And I’ll be happy and fulfilled and my life will be perfect. ;)

That concludes the big announcement portion of today’s post. We shall now transition to highlights of the past few days.

Friday

I went to Marissa’s science fair. She’s so… intelligent, sweet, compassionate, serious, sensitive, innocent… She reminds me so much of myself at that age, bless her little heart. It’s gonna be a tough road, kid, but you’re going to make it. And you’re going to be great.

I rolled into Tulsa around 8:45, got settled in, and headed to the beloved Club Majestic. If there is one thing I am always in the mood for, it’s dancing. I did a lot of dancing. And learned of a confusing and annoying phenomenon, which will be discussed later.

Saturday

Tulsa Heart Walk. A big group of us walked in memory of Marcus. The weather was perfect and there were so many people there! I found myself talking incessantly, though, about a bunch of shit that didn’t matter. Because I was looking around at signs about people who survived heart disease, and red hats signifying the same thing, and it was too hard. Because he died instead of all these people who’d already had a chance to get married and have a family, and witness the births of their grandchildren, and get old and grumpy and tired and ready to leave this world. But then I got back to the house and sat quietly on the porch for, and I realized that I will never be able to accept the injustice of it all, but I can choose to think more positively. Marcus –perhaps even more in death – challenges those who knew him to be better people. We have suffered a terrible loss, but we have chosen to suffer it together. We will be here for each other, and we will push each other to live up to the relentlessly optimistic expectations he had for all of us. 

After a shower, a nap, and a trip to Electric Eye to set an appointment for a very special piece of artwork, I headed to my friend Deepa’s house for homemade Indian food, wine, and Just Dance-ing. The food was incredible! Thanks, friend. Let’s do it again soon!

Sunday

The weather was perfect again, so I decided to take a walk. About 10 minutes into said walk, I realized the weather wasn’t quite perfect, it was really freaking hot. Thankfully, there’s always a breeze around here so the heat didn’t exhaust, stroke, and collapse me on the sidewalk... The whole point of the walk was Tacos Fiesta Mexiacana and it was closed when I got there. Estaba muy triste. :( But I took a picture, because it looks fun even when it’s closed. Then I saw pro-pot stickers plastered all over the place and it made me smile. So I snapped a photo of one of those, too.

The rest of the day was pretty lazy, but I did go out for karaoke that night. Which brings us back around to the aforementioned phenomenon. Why do straight girls hit on gay girls? Friday, my friend and I were asked – nay, begged – to kiss this married woman. Two more straight girls asked me to kiss them that night. Then Sunday, this girl was flirting relentlessly. Why?! So they have a story to tell? Maybe they’re flirting because they think I’ll buy them drinks? Are they just stroking their egos, assuring themselves that if they wanted a girl they could get one? I don’t know. I blame Katy Perry. But whatever the reason, it’s annoying. And it’s offensive. A few contrary-to-popular-belief facts about lesbians: we don’t find every girl attractive, we don’t think getting a straight girl to “go gay” is hot, and we don’t all taste like cherry Chapstick. If you’re a straight girl who wants to kiss a girl, you should kiss another straight girl. Spread the word. Be careful, though… girl lips are really soft and you’ll probably like it.

Monday

Enrolled in CNA program, worked on some things, took a nap. Then went to Senor Tequila’s for dinner, where my friends and I struck up a friendly rivalry with a couple of guys in the bar over the Butler/UConn game, and got a free GIANT margarita because somebody sent it back. Good times. J And I didn’t go to the Lady Gaga concert, but mi amiga Roxy and I went to the after-party at Majestic and danced the night away! So much fun!

Tuesday & Wednesday

Woke up smiling, excited about where my life is headed over the next couple of years. :)

Sweet Thang of the Day: My aunt had her baby last Tuesday! Congratulations to Brandon, Angie, and sweet baby Kendall Elizabeth. Obligatory cute baby pictures:

Rainbow Suspenders

I started yesterday perfectly, with Joni Mitchell's gorgeous voice filling the air, and an extra hot, extra long shower. I kept Anderson since Megan was sick, and he was wonderful. He was only awake for about an hour the whole day, but he grinned at me that whole time and made me one very happy aunt. Here's a one minute video of my dad and sister making ridiculous noises and Anderson making adorable faces, just for kicks:

Anyway... I came across a pair of rainbow suspenders while at the mall today, and made a stupid comment about buying them to wear every day (hardy har har). Lately I've been really aware of how much time I spend talking, thinking, and/or reading about homosexuality. And all of my other moments are spent being homosexual. I just thought I should let all of my loved ones know: I realize this is a lot of gay for you to handle. You are wonderful and I appreciate you so much! You're going to have to deal with it for awhile, though. I've denied this vital part of myself for a very long time, and I'm still really excited about the changes I've seen in myself since I decided I'm okay with being a lesbian! I'm confident, I'm happy, I'm no longer terrified and ashamed of my feelings. This is HUGE!!! There are times when I feel like running around and telling everybody just how much I love being gay, so let's just all take comfort in the fact that I refrain from that, hahaha.

Since I've started down the rainbow path, I think I'll let it flow. I'm feeling super gay tonight, anyway. I purchased and learned to tie a tie the other day. Then I spent about two hours at Lowe's. I was fretting over how shaggy my hair feels in the back this morning (it's only an inch long!). What else? Oh yes, I bought two more button-up shirts and two belts today. Then I came home and moved a bunch of heavy boxes, then finished the night sawing and drilling and feeling good about myself. There you go: short hair, button-up shirts, carpentry, SUV... I am such a lesbian. :)

Why was I at Lowe's for two hours? For the last two years, I've been searching for a record shelf I like. I don't like the bookshelf-style option because I enjoy flipping through and looking at all the artwork. I finally tracked one down online, and it was over $350. So... I decided to build one. I added a slide-out shelf for my turntable, which I'm really glad I did. Approximately $100 and a few (read: several) hours of labor later, it is finished! Soon it will be placed in a new apartment, filled with records, and enjoy my daily, loving attention... Completing this thing gave me the sense of accomplishment I've been missing these last few months of unemployment, haha.

I Googled "OBU Pride" yesterday to see if those crazy Baptist queers are still around (apparently they're not) - in case you don't know, they're the organization responsible for bringing the SoulForce Equality Ride to OBU. I came across a blog that I just can't stop reading. It's actually a Xanga site, if that tells you anything about how old it is. I feel a little creepy pouring over it, because all I know is this guy went to OBU, his name is Chris, he lives in WI, and he's 32 years old. Anyway, check this excerpt from an October 2006 post:

Wisconsin's most prominent advocate of The Marriage Amendment is Julaine Appling of the Family Research Institute. She has been quoted as saying:

"I think we've been extremely tolerant in allowing gay families to live wherever they choose."

This is dangerous rhetoric because it construes simple coexistence as a privilege that the community at large has the right to revoke at will. I agree that the community has the right to revoke or otherwise restrict the rights of people who pose a demonstrable threat--for instance, convicted sex offenders. Whether or not you approve of how gay people choose to construct the private spheres of their lives is irrevelant to whether you should respect their most basic human rights.

Ms. Appling's quotation suggests that only those who are already considered "normal" have an inherent right to exist and participate in society, and that they also have the unique right to decide who else gets to participate in those rights with them. This is actually true in practice; and that is precisely why we must fight it in the realm of ideas.

Preach, brother! There are so many people who think homosexuality is a choice; a sinful choice which somehow dismisses God's children from the requirement to love us as Christ loves them. But I guess I owe Mrs. Appling a thank you card for graciously allowing me to live wherever I like. Ugh. That was in 2006, when WI was voting to amend their constitution and ban gay marriage. The war rages on... If you've tolerated reading all of this so far, you're more than likely pro-marriage equality. So, please take a second to sign up as one of the Millions for Marriage Equality. It requires only your name, email, and zip code. In about 15 seconds you can express your support for basic civil rights for ALL people - support the HRC can use to convince our idiot politicians that America is ready for equality.

That's probably enough ranting for one night... I'll leave you with an STD and a promise that the next post will be light-hearted and entertaining!

STD: The Strokes - Angles Their first release in 5 years, and worth the wait! It's a little more pop than previous records, and is pretty upbeat overall. I like it more every time I listen to it. I have a huge crush on Julian Casablancas that I can't seem to squelch. His voice is gorgeous - he simultaneously sounds perfect and like he doesn't give a shit. But it's more than that...I think he's attractive. He does kind of look like a lesbian, doesn't he?