R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

I found this in a random notebook I grabbed to take notes for Microbiology.

2/19/11

Well, my counselor says I should journal about my feelings every night. Feelings...ugh. I guess I've felt mostly happy all week. The baby came last Sunday! He's so beautiful and so fresh. He is without opinion, without prejudice, without hopes or fears or expectations, greed, insecurity, or habit. It's more than a little terrifying to consider how great an impact we, as his family, will have on his developing personality. But great opportunities are always a big scary, aren't they? We have so many choices to make every single day... we can teach this little man to be loving and accepting, hard-working and brilliant, responsible and happy. One thing I hope for him is that he holds on to what little knowledge he possesses right now - and that is that there are basic things YOU need and sometimes you have to scream to get them. We all deserve health, warmth, loving attention, enough to eat, and someone who is careful with us - body and soul. I think too many times we fail to demand these things from the people with whom we surround ourselves. We allow ourselves to be pushed aside, ridiculed, judged, and minimalized. We have to stop standing by quietly, waiting for people to suddenly become decent. We need to scream and yell and refuse to back down. We have to offer those who would treat us with anything less than respect and equality our middle finger and move on to bigger, better things. I really believe we'd be surprised at how much we could change if we were unapologetic. I know it's time for me to be bold. I've taken big steps already and I need to continue on. It's time for me to go live wherever I want, get a job to get by, and finally take hold of that nursing degree I've wanted for so long. I'm going to do it. I'm ready.

-------------------

I came across this today. One week(-ish) after a breakup, and at the beginning of what will be a really long week. I was just telling my mom last night how discouraged I am trying to balance a full-time job and a full class load. I'm so tired. But then I saw this, and I remembered where I was when I wrote it. In the midst of my very first breakup. Still completely shocked by Marcus' death. Utterly, hopelessly depressed. I was so beaten down that the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was so overwhelming it literally made me cry. But look! I got off my ass! I have a job at a hospital, I'm working on my nursing degree. I've cut ties with some people who weren't treating me well. I'm moving forward! I'm proud of myself, and I'm energized.

So if you're discouraged today, think about where you were six months ago - maybe you won't feel so bad. And let's all remember that we deserve so much more out of life than we tend to insist upon. Can you imagine how great life could be? I can, and I'm pretty damn excited about it!

Experiment

I'm in such a crazy mood today, which I'll attribute to sleep-deprivation. But anyway, I'm wearing these tweed pants with really cool pockets and they're making me feel so... literary? I don't think that's an acceptable use of that word. I feel I should be wearing a matching vest with a pocket-watch and bow-tie, sitting in a loft at a type-writer, with my legs crossed, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. There are way too many commas and hyphens in that sentence. Not the point, though. For whatever reason, I have this overwhelming desire to be Jack Kerouac. Have you heard of stream-of-consciousness narrative? That was his jam, man. He loved it. And in case you can't tell, I'm trying it on for size right now. It's not pure, of course. I don't have his discipline, I don't have any practice. There are slight pauses. I still have to focus too much on the sentence I'm constructing to formulate the next in my head in order to write seamlessly. Maybe I'll practice, who knows? I'm thinking I need some kind of theme for now, though, so I'll tell you about the venture I just took to QT. I decided to walk to the gas station because I desperately wanted a popsicle. Walked because I'm low on gas. Irony? Moving on. It was like the Twighlight Zone, no joke. This is a nice neighborhood with nice homes, but apparently its inhabitants are crazy. I saw an old man watering his hedges in his underwear. Briefs... he was showing more leg than my underwear show. I shuddered again just thinking about it. Then I saw a guy in his mid-40s standing on his lawn in comic book print pajama pants drinking a glass of wine. One block over, the whole street was standing outside because a water main broke and everything's flooding. Are we still under the water-conservation mandate? The word fiasco comes to mind, and even though it sounds odd it seems appropriate. So. After this fiasco, not only will we be banned from watering our lawns and laundering our clothes, but they'll probably ask us to stop showering. While we're at it, we may as well just start drinking strictly Mt. Dew and Pepsi. The hill people in Kentucky do it, why shouldn't we? The only side effects are tooth decay, insomnia, developmental disabilities, and the loss of the ability to use proper English. I suppose few people around here know how to speak properly anyway, so it really wouldn't hurt us that much... Isn't any city in the Midwest just the country in a mask? Like...hillbillies in suits. We like huntin', fishin', football, beer, and brats. We hate liberals, Mexicans, atheists, and homosexuals. These are sweeping stereotypes and certainly don't hold true for most Tulsans, of course. Anyway, back to the popsicle. It was Starburst. Rainbow. It was delicious, but sometimes eating phallic foods makes me feel really awkward. Twenty-six and eleven twelfths and I still have the maturity of a middle-school boy sometimes. Oh well. That just completely shut down my train of thought... I wonder if Kerouac ever got writer's block in the middle of a writing session. I doubt it. He was too cracked out for his brain to ever pause, I think. And that sentence just caused me to think of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hunter S. Thompson...what a freak. Speaking of freaks, this might be horrible to say, but I was wondering earlier how old Lady Gaga is. Is she 27 yet? Because I just have this feeling that she's not going to live very long. Obviously, I don't know anything about her personal life. She may not do any drugs. I really don't see how that's possible, though... I can't think of anybody right now who's really creative and doesn't do drugs. Or smoke pot at least. Honestly. Maybe that's why christian music sucks so much. Maybe christian artists aren't inferior, they just think smoking pot is immoral and that puts them at a huge disadvantage. Creatively speaking. Maybe they should reconsider. I bet God would rather them spoke pot, make awesome music, and reach more people than be so damn uptight. Too much pot talk... I wonder if taking a second to switch playlists would break my stream of consciousness and ruin this entire experiment? I really want to listen to The Kills. I've been totally obsessed lately. I'll put a link at the bottom when I'm finished writing. Just a note, I'm updating my blog right now because my absence as of late caused an uproar. And by that I mean a few people sent me messages asking when I planned to post again. The thing is, I always feel like such a douche updating my blog. Because who cares, right? I don't find my life all that interesting so I'm not sure why anyone reads this. Oh! Wait! Since I'm writing anyway, feeling like a douche, I'll give you a dating update. So... update: I'm dating this girl who's really pretty and really cool and I like her a whole lot. And I'm excited and giddy and nervous around her, and I'm fighting really hard not to be crazy. You know what it's like when you first start dating someone and you're really excited about it. There's a concert you want to go to in 3 months and you catch yourself just assuming you'll go together, then you freak out because your brain just decided you'll still be together in 3 months. It decided without you. And you daydream about laying in bed on a rainy Sunday afternoon, talking quietly and enjoying the storm. And you can't stop your mind from drifting to things like always having a date for everything, and always having somebody to talk to, and having someone anxiously waiting for you to get off work. Everything's all warm and new and exciting and scary. Terrifying, actually. You want to calm down, because what if you like them way more than they like you? What if it ends tomorrow and you're totally heartbroken and you feel like such a dumbass because you shouldn't be so into this so soon? And then you have tickets for that concert. Hopefully you didn't tell them about it yet, because it's only awkward if they know you were planning to go with them. Why am I saying "them"? Her. I'm out, I can say her. I liiiiiiike her. I'm excited. I hope she doesn't sense that I'm such a mess about all this. We're all nervous at first, right? Surely this nervous as hell, terrified of messing everything up thing isn't unique to me. Anyway. I guess the best thing is to hide the crazy from her, but allow myself to be excited. Because if it doesn't work out, it will beat the shit out of my heart whether I enjoyed the hype or tried to stifle it. Also, though, doesn't dating make you incredibly aware of how all your clothes fit you? I mean... I've never been so concerned about how my pants make my ass look. By the way, it looks really good in these tweed pants. The brilliant pocket placement helps a lot. And now that we've circled back to the pants, I think it's time to cut the feed.

Omg, that is ridiculously long. It's stream-of-consciousness, though... I'm not allowed to edit. It will probably bore anyone who dares read it to tears, but it was kind of fun. I haven't even read it - I'm just going to link to The Kills and hit publish. Uh-oh.

How To Not Be Scary

I'm back! I just sat here for a few minutes and tried to figure out why I've had so much time to update my blog lately... It's this sickness that won't go away. I would really, really, really like to go for a run - but I can't. I tried. I made it about ten steps. This is why I can't focus on my homework. And why I'm so grumpy. And why PMS is hitting me so much harder than normal. I've been bat-shit crazy all day long. By the way, who made that the standard phrase for people who are absolutely insane?

I've been saying for awhile that I was going to have my hair cut into a faux-hawk. Well... I did it today. My friend Audra did it, rather. She did a great job, it's fun, and it looks great! But I'm going to have to get used to it. Mostly, I'm thinking about a promise I made to myself back when I was a baby lesbian. Before I knew anything about how I'd want to look and act when I got comfortable with myself. I made a mental list of things I'd never do because I didn't want to become too butch...butch ladies scared me.

So, here it is. A sampling of my rules for how to not be a scary, dykey, butchy lesbian.

1. Never allow khaki cargo shorts to become a staple in your wardrobe.
2. Do not purchase a Harley Davidson. Or wear a Harley bandana on your head.
3. Only wear sporty sunglasses when playing sports.
4. Refuse to wear thick leather AE flip-flops.
5. Stick with women's hygiene products because it's ok to smell like a girl.
6. Collars should never, ever be popped.
7. Don't walk around with a toothpick in your mouth.
8. Be, at the very least, cordial to men.
9. Avoid wallet chains and boxers.
And finally...
10. Never get the Classic Lesbian Cut. Visual aide:

You guys, this is the haircut I got today. Except my hair is standing up.

So I've broken a few of my rules. This wouldn't bother me at all, except... today was the beginning of a very emotional time of the month and when I used the restroom at the grocery store after my appointment, there were a few kids around 10 years old. Once I closed the stall door I heard, "ohmygod did you see that girl?! she looked so much like a boy! disgusting!!!"

And it didn't hurt my feelings. Kids say shit like that all the time - they're honest. When compared to other lesbians my appearance isn't shocking, but compared to the female population as a whole I look pretty boyish. Whatever. What that little brat said, though... I was convicted. I've been keeping this list in my head of things that cross some sort of masculinity line. What is wrong with me?! I know women who break these "rules" and they're sweet, kind people. Operative word being people. People who've had to deal with the same - if not worse - challenges I've struggled with. People who just want to be themselves and be left alone. I've felt like such an asshole all afternoon.

So I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm judgmental sometimes and it's terrible and I'm genuinely sorry. I'm working on it. I have a new mantra, which will not only remind me to judge not, but also to quit stressing about everything. Every morning I'll look in the mirror and say, Natali. Get the hell over yourself. Can you imagine how much happier we'd be if we just got over all the little crap in life?

Oh, yeah. One more thing. Some girl sent me a message today because she thinks I'm a boy and wants to date me. I wonder if she'd have a good sense of humor about it if I met her for coffee?

:::EDIT:::

Maggie requested a picture. Here you go, friend...

I Can't Remember What I Did Last Night

I had to call in yesterday. I was chugging Dayquil, throwing back ibuprofen, and chomping cough drops like nobody's business. I really did not want to call in sick less than two weeks into this job. Ugh.

- Hi, it's Natali Estes. I'm not going to make it in tonight.

- Um.... hang on. Let me pull up the schedule. Oh. Yeah, Natalia. Ok.

- I'm really sorry, I've just had a pretty high fever all day.

- It's ok, hon. You're just on orientation anyway. Take care.

So that was great. I'm inconsequential. And it's Natali. If my name were Natalia, I would have said that. The fact that I'm a lowly assistant does not mean I can't pronounce my own damn name.

Obviously, all I want to do when I'm sick is whine. I want somebody to bring me soup and feel sorry for me and run their fingers through my hair and watch a movie with me and not get mad when I gripe about everything. But alas, I'm left to my own devices. I went to Walgreen's for medicine and ended up buying a box of Snickers ice cream bars because I feel terrible and I deserve something good. Right? I know I'm not the only one who does this. I'm going to have to break down and go to the doctor tomorrow. I threw up on the floor. Let me say that again: I threw up. On. The. Floor. And I peed my pants during a particularly long coughing fit. I need help. 

The only reason I'm writing this post is because I need to study for an Anatomy exam and I really don't want to start. Since I'm here though, let's talk about Ambien. I've always had trouble sleeping. I've tried OTC pills, "natural" remedies, meditation, therapist-recommended relaxation techniques... Marijuana actually works really well, but of course that's illegal. And I would never do anything illegal. Anyway. Last year my doctor wrote me a prescription for Ambien. I've taken it five times and freaked the hell out three of those times. Once I thought the paint on my walls was melting and would certainly drown me. Another time I called my friend, crying hysterically, because I thought I was turning into a wolf. 

It also causes short-term memory loss, so I have no recollection. I check my call logs, texts, and browsing history the next morning and attempt to make all the necessary apologies and explanations. Tripped-out Natali is getting tricky, though - last night I deleted all the texts I sent. So if you got one from me between 11 and midnight and thought I was on drugs... you were right. Sorry.

I vaguely remember deciding I should have some ice cream. I walked to the kitchen naked. I'm pretty certain I was high-stepping for some reason. And my head felt like jell-o. I decided if I ever made it back to my bed, I'd never leave. Then - according to my browsing history - I watched YouTube break-dancing tutorials for about an hour. (?!)

Why do I keep taking it, you ask? Here's the thing with me and sleep. I'm like a meth addict. I don't sleep for a couple of days. Then I sleep 3 hours a night for a week or two. Then I don't sleep again for a day. And then? I crash. I crash hard. I can sleep an entire weekend, waking only once a day to pee. So, I use Ambien to make the cycle less drastic. I take one, flip out, then sleep like a rock for 14 hours. It's really unhealthy, potentially habit-forming, and I learned today that it studies have shown it to cause people to have sex in their sleep. I don't like it. 

In conclusion: I'm sick. I'm whiny. I may know how to break-dance soon. And if you have any suggestions on falling asleep, pleeeeeease pass them along.

Dancing. All The Time.

I said I'd post on dancing and dating. And since I'm working on finding my back to being a person of my word (more on that later...), here we go. I think I'll give dating its own post later.

So, dancing. Sara told me last weekend she's going to make me a shirt that says, "Ahhhhhhh, I love dancing." Sadly, I think she was kidding... I would wear it all the time. It's ridiculous how much I love dancing, because I'm terrible at it. I like to dance in the shower, in the club, in my car, at the dinner table when I'm supposed to be sitting still and minding my manners, standing around the pool table at a dive bar where nobody else is dancing. I bob to the music in my head when I'm sitting in class. Last night I caught myself waist-up dancing at the nurse's station while I was charting. I'm shakin' it right now. In fact, I was thinking I might be too tired to go meet my friends tonight... but I'm listening to a playlist entitled "Just Dance" and I think I'm going to have to go.

Since I love lists so much, I think we should make a list of rules for dancing in public.

1. Mind your face. If you don't smirk and laugh while you dance people will think you're serious. And trust me, you're not serious. You're not a good dancer even when you've been drinking. Almost nobody looks good dancing.

2. No slapping your own ass or grabbing your crotch. Even in jest. Just don't.

3. If all you can do is step side to side and bob your head, own it! It's a good idea to have somebody to dance with, though. If you're standing in the middle of the dance floor bobbing your head by yourself, chances are you're also looking around. And that's freaking creepy.

4. Drink something. Sober people are way too stiff.

5. Don't drink too much. Drunks are embarrassing. They also tend to hit on somebody else's girlfriend or make out in front of everybody. Nobody likes this.

Well, those are the five I can think of off the top of my head. I'll be on the lookout for more rules tonight. Do you have any suggestions?

I have to go now... time to fix my hair and put on my new fedora. Oh, and one more note. Regarding the last two rules: it's important to find your formula. For instance, mine is one strong rum and coke then a beer every 1.5 hours. I stay loose and fun but I keep my wits about me. Stir in house music, low lighting, and a good crowd. Happy for hours.

I've Been Runnin'

Being a student again SUCKS. I had this elaborate vision of walking around campus in my chucks and faux-Buddy Holly glasses, carrying my North Face bag and pumping indie tunes through my headphones. I was gonna strut through the student union, lookin' all fly and shit, while girls swooned and boys got jealous. And every once in awhile, I supposed I'd stop in for a lecture and learn some big words I could use to impress people.

Well. There's nothing cute about trying to get to class by 8 a.m. And I'm going to a community college... the student union is tiny and ugly and empty, and it's nowhere near the science building. "Impressive" isn't the adjective I'd use to describe myself mumbling anatomical terms and chemical formulas to myself like a schizophrenic. But I've got the chucks and Buddy Holly glasses down. And there are some cute girls in my glass who find me intriguing at the very least. I'm over the whole studying and doing homework all the time thing, though. I have sooooo many more classes to take. Ugh.

Ok, I'm done complaining. I finally started my job at the hospital, and I freaking LOVE it! You guys, my patients adore me. Seriously. And the real nurses actually depend on me for shit. I've never felt so useful in my life. I rush around taking vitals, refilling water pitchers, testing blood sugars, rolling patients around in their beds to clean poop off of them, emptying catheter bags, getting coughed and spit and puked on, running errands, calming families down... for 12 hours. And I swear to you, I have a grin on my face the whole damn time. Despite being broke and flinging myself into the throes of debt, I will never regret leaving accounting. NEVER! When I think about my old job, this really dramatic voice (in my head) screams "GIVE ME FREEDOM OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!" 

So anyway. That's what I've been up to.

I think my next post will be about dancing and dating.

Gracie-isms

I’d been keeping a list of Gracie quotes awhile ago… I opened it up for a study break and thought I’d just go ahead and publish it for the enjoyment of my relatives who read the blog. If you haven’t met Gracie, you’ve missed out. She’s 5 years old, bossy, hyper, and hilarious. Enjoy!

Natali, is it true that deals are made to be broken?

-Fruit Loops. Hmm. Marissa, would you still eat this cereal if it was just called “fruit”?

-Uh, yeah.

-What if it was called “fruits and vegetables”?

-I don’t want to go to gymnastics tonight.

-Why not? You love to jump and do flips! You’ll get to jump on the trampoline!

-Yeah, but when I got to class I have to do what the teacher says. And that’s not fun for anyone.

Twenty-five?!?!?!? Natali, you were born before EVERYBODY!!!!!

I’m not up to nothin’, ha. Just did my makeup, ha. Wearing my pink and white cowboy boots, ha. Welp. I’m going downstairs.

I do not like Justin Beiber. He sings like a little girl and he is NOT GOOD.

What if I farted that loud? It would be louder than the whole world! Maybe even louder than DAD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It would be so gross if I farted like a manly man!

Stated matter-of-factly after I explained that we call sponges because they are modeled after sea sponges and function the same way, and people (like her) who notice and remember everything that happens around them are sponges because they “soak up” everything: I want to be a sponge. A sponge named Squarepants.

-Natali, will you go upstairs and get my water?

-No, you can go get it.

-Puh-lease?! I’m pretty much so thirsty I’m gonna pass out!

-Then Cloee said, “we have a passed out one” or something! Hahahahaha!

-No. I said, “man down”.

Natali, why do you always wear those shirts with buttons on them? I like my shirts better because they’re pretty much just easier to put on.

Have you ever seen me drink with my left hand? That would be really hard and pretty cool. Watch, I’m gonna try it!

Um, we might have to tell daddy when he gets home that my light burned out, because I’m pretty sure he’s the only one who knows how to change it. Ugh, I’m so mad at my light. And I don’t even know if we have any more light bulbs.

We already counted backwards like 100 times, don’t they know how to do it by now?! Oh my gosh, Mickey and Goofy are so stupid! I’m not helping them do it again.

Natali, you kinda look like a boy, but you’re the best sister anyone could ever have! Don’t tell Megan I said that, though… the other day I told her she’s the best.

-I did cartwheels the whole time!

-That sounds fun. I’ve never been able to do a cartwheel.

-What?! Not even when you were five years old?!?!

-Nope, not even then.

-Oh my gosh, Natali. I feel SO bad for you. That’s the saddest story you’ve ever told me.

We had these tacos from this taco truck and they were really disgusting, I mean no, the tortillas were gross, but the rice. Oh. My. Gosh. The rice! The rice was soooo good!!!

Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness

Every single day, I hear a story about another religious leader, politician, "family foundation", etc. bashing gays. And recently I've found myself the target of rude and hateful behavior which, as far as I can tell, is based solely on the fact that I look like a lesbian. I try very hard not to be paranoid, I really do. But I walked out of a gas station a couple of weeks ago and an old man leaned out of his truck, shot me a look of disgust, and spat out, "hey dyke". Last week I was at the movies with friends, standing outside of the theater talking on the phone. As this middle-aged couple walked in, the woman stared me down. I mean staring straight at me, from 20 feet away. I stared right back but it didn't phase her. I said, "can I help you ma'am? I'm sorry, is there a problem?" and it didn't phase her. She even turned around to stare some more as they walked past. The look in her eyes told me she thought me to be a wretched, deplorable, waste of fucking space. In both situations, I got mad. I got mad because it feels like a better alternative than getting sad. Because these people have no right to judge - they know nothing about me. I know that and I try to hang on to that so it doesn't hurt. But the thing about strangers deciding they hate you is... it always hurts. It's a hurt that's damn near unbearable when I let myself think about how mild these instances were comparatively. All over the world, gay people have the will to live verbally and physically beat out of them.

The crusade to stifle the rights of homosexuals is awful. It's ridiculous. Infuriating, illogical, unjust, heartless. The people pushing so hard to defend oppressive laws and social attitudes have no reasonable basis for their argument, and they are treating an intrinsically personal matter like a faceless political issue that doesn't affect real people. They treat myself and the rest of my community like we are less-than. Like somehow we have no right to pursue a happy life because we don't agree with their religious stance on one issue.

And that's exactly what it is: a religious stance. Why are religious people so quick to forget about separation of church and state? Do they not realize they're spitting in the face of the very concept that allows them to freely believe what they believe?! Marriage equality, for example. Religious beliefs should have zero bearing on government-issued marriage licenses. Legal marriage and religious marriage are separate concepts that serve entirely different purposes. Why do people find this so easy to overlook? This is why you are required to get a marriage license at the courthouse, and then can have a pastor perform a marriage ceremony if you choose. The government is saying, "ok, you two want to be treated like a single entity. You will pay your taxes together, you will have the right to make legal decisions for each other when necessary, your assets will be transferred to your partner in the event of death." That's it. The government does not claim to bless your union in front of god and everybody. It does not charge you to be fruitful and raise your children in the way of the lord. That's what religious marriage is for, and that alone is the institution over which the church has any authority.

All of this fighting and judgment is so exhausting. I'm angry, and I'm SO tired of being angry. And I'm sad. Because sometimes I can see and feel so much hatred from perfect strangers. Because my parents love me but they don't understand. Because there are people who will live their entire lives in the closet and completely miserable, and people who will spend their entire lives hating for no reason... and completely miserable. Because we're all people, and life is short, and there's really no point if we can't be kind to one another.

But I think mostly I'm sad because I know so many wonderful people who agree with me but don't do anything to help. I'm begging you to give a damn, even if this doesn't affect you personally. There are so many things you can do to help. Call your representatives and senators and tell them you support gay rights. Next time you hear someone talking about it, try to help them understand that gay rights are civil rights and there are good people being terribly hurt by all of this. Log on to www.hrc.org and sign petitions supporting marriage equality and workplace nondiscrimination acts. Things don't just change for the better, we have to band together and make it happen. Please, just care. I need you to care because today I feel defeated and somebody has to tell me they're fighting, too.

Blowin' In The Wind

One of my favorite things to do is stand outside and gaze into the sky when a storm is about to break... those few moments when you can feel everything all at once. The air is so heavy, pushing on you from every side, making you suddenly aware of how much space your physical self actually consumes. The clouds are rolling and dark, brooding, trembling, impatiently awaiting the moment they can let go - that climactic moment of release. Everything around you comes alive and is frantic. Birds are flapping wildly, insects are scurrying to higher ground, even the most domesticated of dogs senses the panic and whines anxiously. You stand there, exhilarated by impending doom, and wait. As the anticipation builds, you feel an inexplicable unity with nature. And when it finally breaks - when the temperature drops and the thunder claps and the rain comes pouring down? An overwhelming sense of calm.

I'm on the brink of a storm now. I start classes in a few weeks. I'm diving back into the college life... that life that's so full of classes and studying and working that there's no time for sleep. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, but I'm genuinely excited. Ecstatic, even! And I have an interview Monday that I really, really want to nail. I want this job, at this hospital, on this floor.

My life has been stagnant for the past few years. I knew I wasn't living up to my own expectations - all these dreams I had of growing up and really making a difference in the world. I'm a firm believer that the best thing you can do is figure out what you're good at, then find a way to use it to help people. That's what a good life consists of. Sitting behind a desk, preparing tax returns for multi-million dollar oil & gas companies was slowly killing me. By the time I quit, I was exhausted. I had no passion, no dreams, no idea what I wanted. I lived in my parents' basement for 6 months, becoming more depressed with each passing day. And I don't really know what got into me, but one day I just got up and moved back to Tulsa. I enrolled in a CNA course, got my license, started applying for jobs, and enrolled in classes. So here I am, waiting for it all to begin. I really do feel like my insides are trembling and I'm so full of emotion I'm going to burst.

For now, I'm happy. And I have this energy that I can't seem to harness, can't really channel into something useful. I'm working on it. I'm finding causes that really matter to me...more on that later. But while I'm ready for the stability and peace routine brings, I sincerely hope that I experience this feeling several times over in my life. The edge of big change is a terrifying place to stand, but it's important for self-realization. I've discovered that the thing I'm most excited about in all of this is the fact that I'm starting over. I'm entering a world where nobody knows me. I can be whoever I want to be.

Bring it on.

April Recap

So much has happened since I last posted...therefore, this will be a jumble. I shall recap many things, and offer my completely irrelevant commentary on some recent newsworthy events. Here goes...

My move to Tulsa - unlike many things I said I was going to do in the past 6 months or so - actually happened. I completed a two-week course and state board exam, so I am a licensed CNA now. I've put in an application where I really want to work, and if I don't hear from them by the end of the week I'll submit a few more. This summer will (hopefully) be consumed with hospital night shifts and classes in Biology, Anatomy & Physiology, and Chemistry. I'm excited. :)

Also, my arm is permanently adorned with a fantastic piece of artwork. I've been planning it for awhile. It is a representation of the personal growth I've experienced in the last year, the strength it took for me to embrace everything that makes me who I am and cast off long-held shame and fear, the importance of branching (forgive the pun) into new experiences and ideas, and a reminder that life is always changing. The bird is an homage to a very dear friend. Marcus had a brambling bird on his right forearm - a beautiful purple and turquoise bird that he was so proud of. When he passed away, several of us took comfort in one of his favorite Iron & Wine songs, Upward Over The Mountain. When I think of him, I envision him soaring over breath-taking landscapes, euphoric. I'm indescribably proud to wear a reminder of everything he stood for, and the profound impact he had on so many.

What else...? Oh, yes. I've been dating. What a disaster, hahaha. Shall I share a few of examples of things that are inappropriate for a first date? I shall! A) Don't ask when I'm going to kiss you! First, you're assuming a kiss is inevitable, when it is simply optional. Second, the first date kiss-or-not-to-kiss conundrum is uncomfortable enough...drawing attention to something that's already awkward promotes it to unbearably awkward. Ugh. B) Do not invite me to an outing with all your friends that is occurring SIX WEEKS in the future. Not in the middle of a first date. You're forcing me to figure out how to say something terrible like, "Actually...I don't think this is going well and I don't want to see you again" while we're still waiting for our meals to get to the table. Geez. C) If you're a crazy pill-popper, at least try to act sane for two hours. I guess it's good we got that out of the way so quickly, but you weren't getting a second date anyway. In the future, don't tell your "I took all this Xanax and really wanted a cheeseburger, so I drove to Whataburger and rear-ended a guy in line and went to jail" story right out of the gate, okay? D) Don't wear the clothes you lie around your house in, unless they happen to be - at the least - nice jeans and a semi-cute shirt. Windpants, an Eskimo Joe's t-shirt, and a visible sports bra are NOT OKAY. Actually, that was just plain offensive. I straightened my hair for you, asshole. E) Show up. Standing someone up because you didn't have the heart to tell them no when they asked is awful. Standing someone up when YOU asked them is unforgivable. Especially if you run into them two days later and pretend you have no idea who they are rather than having the decency to make up a bullshit story about why you missed it and couldn't call. Well, anyway... I'm not as frustrated as I sound, I'm not pursuing anything at the moment. The crazies just keep asking me out. I guess I need to work on spotting insanity more efficiently. :)

I had a few meaningful thoughts to share about the death of Bin Laden, DADT repeal, the whole DOMA hullabaloo, the advancement of the "Don't Say Gay" bill in TN, etc. But this has gotten really long and I think those issues deserve to be discussed separately from first-date horror stories.

Until next time, I recommend you purchase and read Slaughterhouse-Five. In one sitting. Now.

"I have told my sons that they are not under any circumstances to take part in massacres, and that the massacre of enemies is not to fill them with satisfaction or glee."

People Will Surprise You

Two posts in three days... everybody freak out! I had such a fantastic day, I couldn't help but share. First, I slept until 11:30. I love sleeping in. Then I went to Megan's house to spend some time with her, Gracie, and Anderson. We sat outside and took pictures of Anderson smiling for awhile, then he fell asleep on my shoulder and I just held him. Taking a nap with a baby asleep on my chest is another thing I love. And I snapped this hilarious picture of him cracking up... Look at him! I love that his little jeans have a hammer loop, haha. He already knows that if you're going to chuckle, you should put your hand on your belly.

 

Before I left, I decided to gauge my ears out a little bit. Dustin shoved little plastic rods through my ear lobes and put in the punk-ass earrings I'm wearing now.  Then I stopped for a 6-pack of Coors Light and headed to my grandpa's house. 

I spent a lot of time with Papa - my mom's dad - as a kid, and we were always really close. We talked every Sunday throughout my entire college career, and he called to check on my every two weeks or so after I moved to Tulsa. We hadn't spent much time together recently, so we planned to spend the whole evening together. He threw burgers on the grill, we had a couple beers, played rummy, and caught up. I knew before I went that I needed to tell him that I'm gay, and I knew he would be fine with it. But I wasn't sure if it would be "I'm so proud of you for being honest about who you are!" or "I don't agree with this but I love you anyway" or somewhere in between. And that small chance that someone very dear to you might say they think there's something wrong with you is a thousand times more terrifying than the prospect of getting your ass kicked by some redneck for being "one o' them damn queers". 

So, after beer and cards and talking about his horses for a couple of hours, I decided to just say it. It took at least 15 minutes for me to force the words out of my mouth. "Papa, I have to tell you something... I'm gay. I just wanted you to hear it from me first." Panic. I can't adequately describe the few seconds before and after proclaiming for the first time that you're a raging homosexual, but it's horrible. I think it's what a heart attack feels like. But then, relief. He looked at me and said, "I love you, honey. It don't matter to me at all." I cried. We had an excellent conversation.

He told me that he doesn't think the gays have a choice about it one way or another, and everybody has their own feelings and as long as they're happy, they don't need to pay attention to what anybody else has to say. We talked about how dangerous it is to take the Bible literally, forgetting that it's been translated and interpreted so many times by so many men that we don't know exactly what the original text says. He said he "reckons that Southern Baptists are the most hypocritical bunch" he's ever encountered. We reminisced about my childhood and he said he understood now why I was always so hard on myself, and he wishes I'd been more comfortable in my own skin. He told me a story about this time he went to a bar with his friends and all the ladies ended up dancing with a gay man there, and he'd never laughed so hard in his life. He reminded me that all people need from each other is a little kindness and understanding. He asked me if I had anybody special in my life... something I've wished my mom would ask me since I came out to her. I told him I dated someone for a few months, but it's over now. He asked, "did you get yourself a little bit of a broken heart?" And we talked about how much it hurts - especially that first one. He offered advice on dating, love, marriage... He asked me if he'll get any great-grandkids out of me.

Before I left, with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said he'd always been proud of me and always will be. I cried again, hugged him, drove away, and realized that this has been one of the most precious days of my life.

Goodnight everybody. I hope all of us have a Thursday that is even half as great as my Wednesday was!

Miscellaneous

Just a list of random crap, because I was going to post about something serious and it sounded too... emotional. It's not something I feel emotional about right now, but it still sounded depressing. So, random crap it is. Just to make me feel like I'm not letting down all my devoted followers. Ha.

• Sign on the corner of 11th & Lewis (verbatim): 

FOUND:

large catahoula mix

wearing a...

T-SHIRT

• I am asked if I work wherever I happen to be shopping ALL THE TIME. I've never considered myself to have a particularly inviting appearance - especially when I'm shopping - but apparently I'm a beacon of hope for lost souls everywhere. I was wearing gym shorts and smelling laundry detergent at Family Dollar the other day when an old man said, "hey, 'scuse me, but uh, you work here, right?" But the best no-I'm-not-an-employee story I have... At Target, wearing a black hoodie and trying to get a bookshelf into my cart, I was asked by a very polite Indian man where to find "the hand-held machines that vibrate. My wife would really like one for her birthday." He was confused, I was confused and embarrassed, and his teenage daughters were absolutely mortified. I was concerned that the situation would be unbearably awkward if he asked one of the teenagers working there so I helped him. Turns out, she wanted a neck massager. Thank Brahman.
• My unused Continental Airlines miles inexplicably entitle me to two free magazine subscriptions. Of course, none of my options are anything I'd ever pay for, but since it's free... After marking out everything I've never heard of, I'm left with Cosmopolitan, GQ, and The Economist. Five points for anybody who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt which of those I would least enjoy.
• I have a ticket for The National at Cain's Ballroom next Tuesday. Currently my most prized possession. I've listened to nothing else the past few days, and I've fallen even more in love. Music like this tricks me into thinking I can be poetic...and instills within me an intense craving for a glass of whiskey.
• I’m still enjoying (read: stalking) the blog I mentioned awhile back that I stumbled upon by searching “OBU Pride”. I don’t usually feel creepy when I read a stranger’s blog, but there’s something about this guy graduating from my alma mater a few years before me that makes me feel odd about it. And I am thus far undeterred. 
•  I've recently come to terms with the fact that I am a hyper-emotional, hyper-sentimental, hyper-sensitive nutcase. Many of you already know this. Thank you for pretending not to notice. 
• The personality differences between my two youngest sisters are hysterical. Case in point:  I took them to McDonald's today. As soon as we finish ordering, Gracie exclaims, "let's sit at a tall table!!!", runs to said tall table, and starts spinning around in the chair. Marissa - approaching the soda fountain in her typical laid-back gait - calmy says, "that's fine Gracie, but we're in a hurry, so the swivel-chair can't distract you from eating your dinner." They're absolutely perfect. :)

I think that does it. I will leave you with a song from The National for the STD... I've chosen this one because I have been feeling more confident in the past two weeks than I ever have in my life. Has anyone ever noticed that being rejected forces you to get a little conceited? That's what I was going to blog about, actually... I think you have to build yourself back up. It helps to have friends who are willing to toss compliments at you like crazy, too. :) You guys are the best.

I'm put together beautifully

Big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth

I'm a perfect piece of ass, like every Californian

So tall I take over the street

 With high-beams shining up my back

Wingspan unbelievable

I'm a festival, I'm a parade

I'M SO SORRY BUT THE MOTORCADE WILL HAVE TO GO AROUND ME THIS TIME! 

T-Town Lovefest

Dear Tulsans:

I know I’m here all the time and I never go away, and you may not have noticed yet that I actually live in Missouri, but… I’M MOVING BACK!!! I love you, and I love Tulsa. I love the fact that it feels like a big city and a small town, I love Cain’s, I love the parks, I love the nightlife (I’ve got to boogie, on the disco ‘round…. via Alicia Bridges). I love how Tulsans manage to have a palatable amount of pride in their city – a nice middle ground between apathy and Texan pride. I didn’t realize it until I left, but I really do love it here!

In other exciting news, I’ve enrolled in a CNA program and, barring my failure of the exam, will be licensed and looking for a job by May 1^st. Woohoo! Then I’ll clean up poop and vomit to pay my way through nursing school. And I’ll be happy and fulfilled and my life will be perfect. ;)

That concludes the big announcement portion of today’s post. We shall now transition to highlights of the past few days.

Friday

I went to Marissa’s science fair. She’s so… intelligent, sweet, compassionate, serious, sensitive, innocent… She reminds me so much of myself at that age, bless her little heart. It’s gonna be a tough road, kid, but you’re going to make it. And you’re going to be great.

I rolled into Tulsa around 8:45, got settled in, and headed to the beloved Club Majestic. If there is one thing I am always in the mood for, it’s dancing. I did a lot of dancing. And learned of a confusing and annoying phenomenon, which will be discussed later.

Saturday

Tulsa Heart Walk. A big group of us walked in memory of Marcus. The weather was perfect and there were so many people there! I found myself talking incessantly, though, about a bunch of shit that didn’t matter. Because I was looking around at signs about people who survived heart disease, and red hats signifying the same thing, and it was too hard. Because he died instead of all these people who’d already had a chance to get married and have a family, and witness the births of their grandchildren, and get old and grumpy and tired and ready to leave this world. But then I got back to the house and sat quietly on the porch for, and I realized that I will never be able to accept the injustice of it all, but I can choose to think more positively. Marcus –perhaps even more in death – challenges those who knew him to be better people. We have suffered a terrible loss, but we have chosen to suffer it together. We will be here for each other, and we will push each other to live up to the relentlessly optimistic expectations he had for all of us. 

After a shower, a nap, and a trip to Electric Eye to set an appointment for a very special piece of artwork, I headed to my friend Deepa’s house for homemade Indian food, wine, and Just Dance-ing. The food was incredible! Thanks, friend. Let’s do it again soon!

Sunday

The weather was perfect again, so I decided to take a walk. About 10 minutes into said walk, I realized the weather wasn’t quite perfect, it was really freaking hot. Thankfully, there’s always a breeze around here so the heat didn’t exhaust, stroke, and collapse me on the sidewalk... The whole point of the walk was Tacos Fiesta Mexiacana and it was closed when I got there. Estaba muy triste. :( But I took a picture, because it looks fun even when it’s closed. Then I saw pro-pot stickers plastered all over the place and it made me smile. So I snapped a photo of one of those, too.

The rest of the day was pretty lazy, but I did go out for karaoke that night. Which brings us back around to the aforementioned phenomenon. Why do straight girls hit on gay girls? Friday, my friend and I were asked – nay, begged – to kiss this married woman. Two more straight girls asked me to kiss them that night. Then Sunday, this girl was flirting relentlessly. Why?! So they have a story to tell? Maybe they’re flirting because they think I’ll buy them drinks? Are they just stroking their egos, assuring themselves that if they wanted a girl they could get one? I don’t know. I blame Katy Perry. But whatever the reason, it’s annoying. And it’s offensive. A few contrary-to-popular-belief facts about lesbians: we don’t find every girl attractive, we don’t think getting a straight girl to “go gay” is hot, and we don’t all taste like cherry Chapstick. If you’re a straight girl who wants to kiss a girl, you should kiss another straight girl. Spread the word. Be careful, though… girl lips are really soft and you’ll probably like it.

Monday

Enrolled in CNA program, worked on some things, took a nap. Then went to Senor Tequila’s for dinner, where my friends and I struck up a friendly rivalry with a couple of guys in the bar over the Butler/UConn game, and got a free GIANT margarita because somebody sent it back. Good times. J And I didn’t go to the Lady Gaga concert, but mi amiga Roxy and I went to the after-party at Majestic and danced the night away! So much fun!

Tuesday & Wednesday

Woke up smiling, excited about where my life is headed over the next couple of years. :)

Sweet Thang of the Day: My aunt had her baby last Tuesday! Congratulations to Brandon, Angie, and sweet baby Kendall Elizabeth. Obligatory cute baby pictures:

Rainbow Suspenders

I started yesterday perfectly, with Joni Mitchell's gorgeous voice filling the air, and an extra hot, extra long shower. I kept Anderson since Megan was sick, and he was wonderful. He was only awake for about an hour the whole day, but he grinned at me that whole time and made me one very happy aunt. Here's a one minute video of my dad and sister making ridiculous noises and Anderson making adorable faces, just for kicks:

Anyway... I came across a pair of rainbow suspenders while at the mall today, and made a stupid comment about buying them to wear every day (hardy har har). Lately I've been really aware of how much time I spend talking, thinking, and/or reading about homosexuality. And all of my other moments are spent being homosexual. I just thought I should let all of my loved ones know: I realize this is a lot of gay for you to handle. You are wonderful and I appreciate you so much! You're going to have to deal with it for awhile, though. I've denied this vital part of myself for a very long time, and I'm still really excited about the changes I've seen in myself since I decided I'm okay with being a lesbian! I'm confident, I'm happy, I'm no longer terrified and ashamed of my feelings. This is HUGE!!! There are times when I feel like running around and telling everybody just how much I love being gay, so let's just all take comfort in the fact that I refrain from that, hahaha.

Since I've started down the rainbow path, I think I'll let it flow. I'm feeling super gay tonight, anyway. I purchased and learned to tie a tie the other day. Then I spent about two hours at Lowe's. I was fretting over how shaggy my hair feels in the back this morning (it's only an inch long!). What else? Oh yes, I bought two more button-up shirts and two belts today. Then I came home and moved a bunch of heavy boxes, then finished the night sawing and drilling and feeling good about myself. There you go: short hair, button-up shirts, carpentry, SUV... I am such a lesbian. :)

Why was I at Lowe's for two hours? For the last two years, I've been searching for a record shelf I like. I don't like the bookshelf-style option because I enjoy flipping through and looking at all the artwork. I finally tracked one down online, and it was over $350. So... I decided to build one. I added a slide-out shelf for my turntable, which I'm really glad I did. Approximately $100 and a few (read: several) hours of labor later, it is finished! Soon it will be placed in a new apartment, filled with records, and enjoy my daily, loving attention... Completing this thing gave me the sense of accomplishment I've been missing these last few months of unemployment, haha.

I Googled "OBU Pride" yesterday to see if those crazy Baptist queers are still around (apparently they're not) - in case you don't know, they're the organization responsible for bringing the SoulForce Equality Ride to OBU. I came across a blog that I just can't stop reading. It's actually a Xanga site, if that tells you anything about how old it is. I feel a little creepy pouring over it, because all I know is this guy went to OBU, his name is Chris, he lives in WI, and he's 32 years old. Anyway, check this excerpt from an October 2006 post:

Wisconsin's most prominent advocate of The Marriage Amendment is Julaine Appling of the Family Research Institute. She has been quoted as saying:

"I think we've been extremely tolerant in allowing gay families to live wherever they choose."

This is dangerous rhetoric because it construes simple coexistence as a privilege that the community at large has the right to revoke at will. I agree that the community has the right to revoke or otherwise restrict the rights of people who pose a demonstrable threat--for instance, convicted sex offenders. Whether or not you approve of how gay people choose to construct the private spheres of their lives is irrevelant to whether you should respect their most basic human rights.

Ms. Appling's quotation suggests that only those who are already considered "normal" have an inherent right to exist and participate in society, and that they also have the unique right to decide who else gets to participate in those rights with them. This is actually true in practice; and that is precisely why we must fight it in the realm of ideas.

Preach, brother! There are so many people who think homosexuality is a choice; a sinful choice which somehow dismisses God's children from the requirement to love us as Christ loves them. But I guess I owe Mrs. Appling a thank you card for graciously allowing me to live wherever I like. Ugh. That was in 2006, when WI was voting to amend their constitution and ban gay marriage. The war rages on... If you've tolerated reading all of this so far, you're more than likely pro-marriage equality. So, please take a second to sign up as one of the Millions for Marriage Equality. It requires only your name, email, and zip code. In about 15 seconds you can express your support for basic civil rights for ALL people - support the HRC can use to convince our idiot politicians that America is ready for equality.

That's probably enough ranting for one night... I'll leave you with an STD and a promise that the next post will be light-hearted and entertaining!

STD: The Strokes - Angles Their first release in 5 years, and worth the wait! It's a little more pop than previous records, and is pretty upbeat overall. I like it more every time I listen to it. I have a huge crush on Julian Casablancas that I can't seem to squelch. His voice is gorgeous - he simultaneously sounds perfect and like he doesn't give a shit. But it's more than that...I think he's attractive. He does kind of look like a lesbian, doesn't he?

Songs I Love, Episode 4

I don't sleep at night anymore...I just sit in bed, wishing I felt tired. I've been going through my iTunes library lately, because there's no reason to have so much music I never listen to. And I've been writing a lot, mostly due to an attempt at self-therapy. It's amazing how much one page in a journal can tell you about yourself. Self-discovery, people - it's a grand thing!

Anyway, my friend Austin shared this song with me the other day. It's sort of techno, and spoken rather than sung, but the lyrics are incredible. I love them so much I'm just going to give them to you:

Because I always feel like running
Not away, because there is no such place
Because if there was I would have found it by now
Because it's easier to run,
Easier than staying and finding out you're the only one... who didn't run
Because running will be the way your life and mine will be described
As in "the long run"
Or as in having given someone a "run for his money"
Or as in "running out of time"
Because running makes me look like everyone else, though I hope there will never be cause for that
Because I will be running in the other direction, not running for cover
Because if I knew where cover was, I would stay there and never have to run for it
Not running for my life, because I have to be running for something of more value to be running 
And not in fear
Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped, eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from,
Not without showing the fear as I see it now
Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer
Because of you and because of that nice that you quietly, quickly be causing
And because you're going to see me run soon and because you're going to know why I'm running then
You'll know then
Because I'm not going to tell you now

Trust me, it's even more mind-blowing when you listen to it.  Running - Gil Scott-Heron and Jamie xx

Enjoy!

Plans...Abandoned and Otherwise

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving." - Lao Tzu

I have been unemployed for a little over 4 months, and I seem to have made a habit of allowing all my plans to fall by the way-side. That crazy, 6 week road trip, for instance. I was going to see the West, meet some interesting people, take a good look at myself, and figure out what I want from life. I chose to stay in Missouri until my nephew was born, and I don't regret it - but I felt for awhile like I'd failed myself. Honestly, I've spent the majority of the last few months feeling pretty damn low. And now...now it's time to buck up and get on with things!

I won't discuss my plans yet, because that would almost certainly guarantee their failure, but I do have some. I applied for a program I'm really excited about, and if it works out I'll be moving soon! But I'm trying to keep in mind that plans tend to change, and a change in plans isn't always a negative thing. So we'll just have to see what happens. :)

It's almost 6 a.m. I wish I could say I got up early and plan to be really productive today, but I just haven't been able to fall asleep yet. So...maybe now? Let's hope so.

Songs I Love, Episode 3

I'm baaaaaaaack! I have so many stories to tell that are much more important than this song, but I haven't felt up to putting recent experiences into words yet. So here it is... another song I love. I'm really digging this one tonight. Lately I've loved Stars in general, actually. They are one of those bands I forget about for awhile, then fall in love with all over again. Set Yourself on Fire is a great album overall, and this song is fantastic! The last verse is my favorite:

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Buy it! Buy the whole album! But if you don't feel like it, here's a YouTube video so you can listen to it for free. Goodnight friends!

Songs I Love, Episode 2

All this gloomy weather, living in a basement, and not quite knowing what I'm doing with my life has inspired me to listen to some pretty emotional music. Today's song screams heartache, jealousy, anger, loneliness, and a tinge of self-pity. I love music that makes me feel so...much. And I can never find the words to adequately describe how I feel about it. So, pretty much all I have is: uggggggggggggh, it's so good!!!

Really, the whole album is incredible. It's been around quite awhile, but if you missed it, it's definitely worth the $10 it costs to download it from Amazon...

Or, listen free via YouTube...

Snow Daze

Almost everyone who reads this lives in the Midwest, so I'm sure you're all getting snow again today, too. Yay. I get that the snow is fun if you are a student or teacher and get to stay home. But if you have a job you still have to go to - or are unemployed and this isn't getting you out of anything - it can get old pretty fast. I'm just ready for safe driving conditions... I don't really have anywhere to go, but the lack of freedom to take off is making me feel a little claustrophobic!

I'm working on a having a better attitude about it, though. I keep thinking about my beloved friend Marcus...he would have enjoyed every minute of this snow storm and said such eloquent things to remind us all how beautiful it is. My little sister and I bundled up and played outside for awhile earlier, and I found myself lying on my back, watching the snow fall through the trees and crying. Crying for a life cut too short, for myself and so many others left to deal with this tremendous loss, for the beauty of nature and how rarely we actually see it, and for so many other things I can't quite express. Then I heard my sister giggling and running through the snow, sat up and wiped the tears and snowflakes off my face, and felt just a little bit better. I still think about Marcus every day, and I hope that never changes. He was such a rare soul - a man who was nothing but good, all the time. His memory is an ever-present reminder to me to be a better person and to appreciate every little thing around me. Thanks for helping me notice something magnificent today, friend!

I mentioned playing in the snow with my little sister. I think it's fitting to discuss this ball of chaos we call Gracie for a few minutes. She's the most adorable little thing in the world. She's quite the negotiator, too... if you tell her no, she'll modify her request and offer to do things for you until you cave. She loves to text, too - she asked the other day if she could text our aunt Amanda and when we got a response she said, "oh good, our message made it all the way to Kansas City!!!" :) She's been sleeping with me since school is canceled, and the other night she saw me changing, gave me a concerned look, then: "it's weird to see adults in their underwear <5 second pause> I can touch my nose with my tongue." You can always count on her for a laugh...

She talked me into painting her fingernails today. Now, I bet you've never seen me with my nails painted. And if you have, I was commenting the whole time on how awkward I felt about it. There are a few basic things that EVERY girl just knows how to do by the time she's in middle school. Every girl but me. I cannot, for the life of me, put hair in a centered, lump-free ponytail. And I cannot paint nails. I can paint entire fingers and toes, but not nails. Lack of practice might have a little bit to do with this, but mostly it's the fact that I have some sort of pre-Parkinson's or something and fine motor tasks literally make me tremble. I was painting and she kept encouraging me... "see Natali, I knew you could do it! Why is your hand shaking, are you cold? It's funny that your tongue is sticking out a little!"

Anyway... it's been a good day. :) On top of the things I already discussed, I got to try my new SUV in the snow for the first time (it was incredible) and I finally got my health insurance card. And for the last couple of hours, mi amiga Maria has been sharing some of her favorite Spanish songs with me and telling me the stories behind them. Which brings us to...

Today's STD! It's a gorgeous, heart-breaking song about La Llarona - an old Mexican legend about a woman who drowned her kids in order to be with the man she loved, only to be rejected by him. She was so broken-hearted she killed herself, and when she got to Heaven they turned her away, saying she couldn't come in until she found her children. So she wanders around by the river, lost and crying forever. Incredibly sad, but I love stories passed down for generations. And this song is soooo beautiful! Gracias, mi querida!

Songs I Love, Episode 1

After a few friends told me they've been buying music I suggested here, I thought I'd start a new feature. In yet another brilliant stroke of creativity, I've decided to name it "Songs I Love". I don't know how often I'll post one or anything, but here's the first one.

I figured the inaugural song should be a classic - something by an artist I will never grow tired of. I'm in a revolutionary type of mood tonight, so here it is... The Times They Are A-Changin'. I love every word of this song, and the context in which Dylan wrote it was a little different than the big issues we're facing today, but it's still completely relevant. "Come senators, congressman, please heed the call / Don't stand in the doorways, don't block up the hall". And my favorite line: "And don't criticize what you can't understand." Ahhh! Ol' Bobby gets me every time. I've listened to this record a hundred times and every single time, his wonderfully mediocre voice and ridiculously simple strum pattern pour out of my turntable and absolutely flood my soul with emotion. Inexplicable emotion. Something like simultaneous hope and despair. Oh, the things this man has seen in his life! And the precious words he's given us! There are no words to communicate to you how much I love this man and his music...


So now that I've gotten all worked up, I'll leave you to be moved by this beautiful song.


I'm not sure, but this link might play the full song for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...you're far too kind (Hova!)

Words cannot adequately express what I've been feeling for the past several days... I have been overwhelmed with everyone's reaction to my coming out. I've cried tears of surprise and appreciation. Thank you all for the comments posted here, Facebook messages, emails, voicemails, texts, and hugs of support. And thanks to those of you who don't really understand who have engaged in genuinely open conversations with me. So many people have been kind and supportive when I expected them to react much differently, and this gives me hope for the future of people like me everywhere!

I hope this is an encouragement to anyone reading who has something they need to tell the world. I know it's scary, but it really can be a positive step in your life! I do realize there are very real reasons for not coming out in some situations, but if you're hiding, please take the time to consider why. This is YOUR life and you deserve to hold your head up high and be exactly who you are. And just think of the impact it would have on our world if all of us were out and proud!!! Can you imagine how differently people would view homosexuality if they knew how many of us they know personally, or had just a glimpse of the important roles we play in their every day lives? Maybe that would diminish the stigma, and allow everyone to view us as exactly what we are: regular people. That's my dream. I want to live in a country where people are people, no matter where they come from, what they look like, or who they love. I want to hold hands with my girlfriend in public, in the middle of the Bible Belt, and not see people uncomfortably avert their eyes, try to quickly distract their kids, or just blatantly look at me like I'm a disgusting, worthless human being.

I believe that day is approaching, but until then... thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you - a thousand times thank you! Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for reconsidering your stance on this issue. Thank you for telling me I have nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for standing up for me and encouraging me every day. I love you more than you can imagine, and I will never let you forget it. :)

And a special thank you to my dear friend Maggie, who always builds me up and makes me feel so comfortable and so unconditionally loved. Maggie, I don't know that I ever would have accepted myself if not for that monumental conversation in your car on the drive from Denver to your house. You are - without a doubt - one of the most incredible people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so very thankful that you're a part of my life!

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Everywhere!

Eureka, I've found it! I spent 7 hours intensely cleaning the rental house my grandparents own today, and I think this is what my life is all about. Well, probably not... But I wouldn't mind getting paid to clean peoples' homes for awhile. For your viewing pleasure, the crazy-old vacuum I'm using and an example of how disgusting it is:

I really took advantage of this time today, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. (Unfortunately, due to my body's ridiculous reaction to night-time cold medicine, I am WIDE awake right now.) It sounds a little dramatic, but I decided to get metaphorical and deal with a lot of feelings I haven't been dealing with in the past several months, thus "cleaning out" my psyche. Get it? Ha! I'm so clever. And hey, why not be intensely personal on this blog? 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'd been contemplating secrets for some time. You see, secrets aren't necessarily bad. Sometimes we keep secrets because people just don't need to know everything, and that's fine. Other times, we keep them because we're not ready to deal with them yet, and that's okay, too. But there are secrets that some of us keep because we're afraid revealing them will change the way people look at us, the way they treat us. Those secrets can torture you. At some point, you have to decide whether you're keeping the secret to protect yourself or to save the people around you from having to deal with something that may not be easy for them. There is a point when you just have to do what's best for you. I reached this point within the last year, and I've been slowly letting my secret seep out, but it's time for me to just say it.

I am a lesbian. OMG!!! If you've never had to "come out" you have NO IDEA how amazing it feels to just say it! I assure you I did not choose this, but I am not ashamed of who I am. I've told my close friends already, and a few family members. I know some of you just fell out of your chairs, but some of you are just glad I finally admitted it. I realize opinions are pretty damn strong on this topic... I'm happy to discuss homosexuality in general, or my story specifically, with anyone who has questions, but please know I don't need a lecture from anybody. I've heard it all, and it won't change anything.

Wow! I feel good! I know I've just subjected myself to the possibility of some really intense reactions, but you know what? I don't care. This is about me being free to actually be myself. It's not about anybody else. I wanted to get it out there and liberate myself from this heavy, heavy weight I've been carrying for so many years. It's still a hard road, but I have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family who I appreciate very much. Now I can discuss a lot of things here that I've been holding back! Like... I'm kind of obsessed with Tegan & Sara, I might go to Jeff City to tell our legislators why it's completely ridiculous for them to think they get to decide who I can marry, and I really love plaid button-up shirts (haha). And if I ever want to talk about my relationships, I don't have to carefully word all of my sentences to be gender-neutral!

Moving on... that IS a huge deal for me, but it's not all I ever think about, you know? I finally got to listen to a few newly acquired albums today. I'm not ready to comment on all of them yet, but I'll give you one STD! Cold War Kids - Mine Is Yours... Now, they've been catching hell for this. People are calling them sell-outs. I saw one review that dubbed them a "lazy Kings of Leon knock-off", but I don't know what that reviewer was listening to! I really, really like this album. It's not quite as good as Robbers & Cowards, but it's a big improvement over Loyalty to Loyalty. I didn't hate that one, but I just never really got  into it. I think my favorite song is Royal Blue. "From now on, wear my love for you loose // From now on, I am just passing through // From now on, trust my feeling is true // From now on, call me royal blue". This album feels like a pre-breakup to me. You know how it feels right at the end, when you're still together but you both kind of know you shouldn't be. Ugh... it's nice to have a collection of songs for that particular awful feeling, isn't it? Haha. I love the sound, though. Great job, CWK, you've won me back!

Now, maybe if I lie down and close my eyes the Nyquil will wear off and I can sleep. Goodnight!